The Story of E and O

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MW Editor’s Note: One of the essential topics every man faces is his sexuality. For warrior-aged young men, the rise in testosterone throughout their adolescent years can culminate in sexual acts that are either solo or involve others outside of marriage. Even young men who follow Christ wrestle with sexual self-control, trying to navigate living out their manhood sexin ways that honor God.  This post will dive into a particular aspect of male sexuality: ejaculations and orgasms. And, there’s a good reason for this. Just because your body can ejaculate and experience an orgasm, does not that mean every time you do it, it honors God. In particular, if married, can you experience an E and O without your wife and not sin? Every effort is made to be forthright and yet respectfully discreet in covering this topic. Read at your own discretion.

Body Explosion

Somewhere in your early to mid-teen years, your pituitary gland woke up, flooding your body with heavy amounts of testosterone. Your body experienced a variety of changes: an increase in height, larger consumption of food, a deeper voice, increased muscle mass, and body hair in places like your armpits and pubic zone. None of that is sinful. In fact, Jesus experienced the same physiological development (Luke 2:52). (Makes one wonder how Mary kept up with feeding the boy!) Whereas family and friends may tease you over your growth spurts, such body changes are a clear reminder that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-16). Celebrate the changes!

Procreate!

Since creation, God has used the male genitals as his primary means of procreating life, both in animals and in humans. As a male, your penis and testicles are essential to how God calls us to “be fruitful and multiply”.

The Makings of Raging Bull Syndrome

The physiological process of reproduction on the male side of male–female intercourse involves two primary actions: ejaculation and orgasm.

Ejaculation is when your body expels semen out of your penis.  

Harvard Health explains it this way.

The Mechanics

Emission: The nervous system triggers the vas deferens and seminal vesicles to transport sperm and mix it with fluids to create semen.

Expulsion: The bladder neck closes to prevent semen from flowing backward, while muscles at the base of the penis rhythmically contract (about every 0.8 seconds) to shoot the semen out. 

Cleveland Clinic adds this explanation about the volume of semen and velocity:

Physical Characteristics

Volume: A typical ejaculation releases about one teaspoon (2 to 5 milliliters) of semen.

Velocity: In younger men, semen can project roughly 30 to 60 cm (12 to 24 inches), which may decrease as men age. 

The other part of a guy’s sexual experience, along with ejaculation, is orgasm.

Paul Nelson, LMHC, explains a male orgasm this way.

An Orgasm is the euphoric feeling that occurs with the climax. Very often, an orgasm can contribute to muscle spasms, vocal sounds, and other body movements. But these movements do not aid in the expulsion of semen. An orgasm is caused by a sudden release of brain chemicals. These euphoric sensations can be described as big, small, genital-focused, whole body, and can even seem to emanate from various areas of the body. Orgasms can last anywhere from a few seconds to 15-20 seconds for some men – the average for most men is 5-10 seconds. 

Self-Control

Let’s be honest. Every guy, to one extent or another, struggles with self-control. It all boils down to his inner character and self-discipline to direct his urges and desires towards the pursuit of a woman in marriage. 

Pornography coupled with masturbation spirals guys into a dark world of ejaculations and orgasms spent mostly on themselves. Call it solo-sex. In other cases, such sexually dark worlds can find a guy having sex outside of marriage with women he barely knows if at all. And, as much of an oxymoron as it is, “good Christian guys” can get caught up in this sexual confusion.

That brings us to the question that prompted all of this discussion:

Can a married man ejaculate outside of his wife’s vagina and not sin?

There are two ways to answer this very good, very valid question.

Just Tell Me What to Think

The first way is to provide a “spreadsheet” of when ejaculation and orgasm are not a sin and when they are, sort of a black and white checklist.  Frankly, to provide such would be a disservice to the deeper value of this discussion; you, the reader, learning to think from a biblical perspective, rather than being told what to think.

What’s Your Intent?

That leads to the second way of handling this discussion. Here, the focus is less on the physical act of your male genitals experiencing ejaculations and orgasms, and instead focuses on your intent behind such acts.

For as much as the Purity Movement of the 90’s promoted purity in our sexuality, it fell short in several ways.  Author Drew Boa, in his book Outgrow Porn, provides a chart of what the Purity Culture taught compared to what is a healthier biblical view of sexuality. We won’t cover the entire list here (you can read his book, especially page 53), but one of the core values that the Purity Culture taught was that our sexual desires are bad. That sex is dirty and gross, and that the solution is greater willpower. 

Sex is Good!

In contrast, the biblical view is that sex is a gift from God. It is beautiful. Through sex, we learn to love and be loved. Ultimately, our sexuality is to be redeemed, not repressed.

Having laid that foundation, let’s give an overview of what the Bible says about sex. In his classic passage on sex, Paul writes to the Corinthian Christians (1 Corinthians 7:1-5) that sex is good. In fact, it’s so good that a man should have one wife and a wife one man. Monogamous marriages. In being married, they are to give each other their “conjugal rights”. Meaning, have sex with each other.

Sex Gone Bad

To contrast this, the Corinthians were a sexually promiscuous society. New believers in Christ were used to stopping by the temples for some orgies and then heading on to church. Paul was obviously addressing this issue. When I visited Athens, many of the gift shops in the Plaka District near the Parthenon had “Greek art antiquities”. A closer look at them showed pedophiles having sex with young boys. Some were penis-to-anus sex, while others were oral sex, with young boys to the adult male penis. The philosophy was that young boys needed to be taught how to have sex. This is what Paul dealt with nearly 2000 years ago, and it was disgusting enough to see in the art for sale in the Athens gift shops; literally porn for sale.

Sex in Marriage

To have sex in marriage involves a host of emotional, spiritual, and physical acts towards each other. Foreplay is often circumvented by us guys. Our sexual arousal towards our wives wants intercourse right away. At issue here is in shortening the foreplay; you, as the husband, may ejaculate and have an orgasm through intercourse, but it frankly did nothing for your wife. 

Sex is not about your pleasure. It’s about pleasuring each other.

Sex Outside of Marriage

Obviously, sex outside of marriage with anyone is a sin. To clarify, sex before you are married is sex with someone you are not married to. Sex with someone of the same gender. Even sex with yourself. The Lord grieves over such sexual acts, even if they include ejaculation and orgasms.

Spilling Your Semen

In Genesis 38, there’s the story of Onan. Judah took a wife from Canaan and had several sons. When his first son, Er, grew up, Judah gave him a wife. Er did evil in the eyes of the Lord, and so the Lord put him to death.  Then Judah said to his other son, Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went into his brother’s wife, he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also.  

Here we see Onan, called to impregnate his widowed sister-in-law, Tamar. He would go to bed with her, begin the sexual act, and instead of full-on intercourse, he would “pull out,” wasting his semen on the ground.”  The Lord saw this as evil and put Onan to death also.

So, should a husband ever ejaculate outside of his wife?

(Here’s some actual situations with Christian couples.)

What if your wife wants a baby?  Perhaps you are not quite ready to have kids, but she’s in heat and wants one now!  You begin the process of sexual intercourse, and before you ejaculate, you pull out and spill your semen on the bedsheets. Is that a sin? Or did that honor God?

How about this situation? Your wife is 8 months pregnant. Frankly, she’s miserable. You want sex. You think that if you don’t get a release (ejaculation), you will explode. (No guy has ever exploded for not having sex-the testosterone is reabsorbed into the body.) You ask your wife if she could help you “come”. Using a condom, she helps you experience an ejaculation and orgasm. She is present with you when it happens. You express gratitude towards her. Is that a sin? Or did it honor God?

Here’s another situation. We can’t point to a specific Bible verse or passage on this one, but what about oral sex?  Should your lips only be for your spouse’s lips?  Or, are your lips free to explore any or all of each other’s bodies, including genitals? To be honest, a penis is designed by God for a wife’s vagina. That is the way God planned for procreation. Your sperm, her eggs. Boom! Conception! New life!

In the Song of Solomon, we read poetic descriptions of a bride and groom being sexually aroused by virtually every part of each other’s bodies.  In their book, God Loves Sex, authors Dan Allender and Tremper Longman admit that the English translations of the Bible soften the Hebrew in the Song of Solomon. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. is a toned-down way to speak of his penis, and ” your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine, refers to her vagina. 

There is also a reference to tasting. A sweetness that implies not just eyes but lips enjoying the various parts of each other’s bodies.

It’s About Sexual Pleasure

We mentioned early on intent. Is sex all about your pleasure or pleasing each other? Is your wife having an orgasm without you penetrating her, about your satisfaction or hers? Are there particular sexual positions that either one of you is uncomfortable with? 

You Do Not Have Authority Over Your Body

Contrary to popular belief, once married, your spouse has more authority over your body than you do. Look at 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 again. Forcing a particular sexual act on your spouse is a sin. If she is uncomfortable with you ejaculating outside of her, then don’t do it. 

The Holy Spirit and Married Sex

One of the best things to do in married sex is to invite the Spirit into the bedroom. That may sound weird, but when you pray before having sex, when you show tenderness and patience during sex, when you express gratitude during and after sexual intercourse, you may just have your answer to the question of a husband ejaculating outside of his wife.

A Thought about Orgasms

We don’t want to forget about the O in this story. This is not an afterthought, as if E is what sex is all about. It is not. Science can describe orgasms (see above), Yes, the body is reacting to chemicals in the brain, your body experiencing muscle spasms and other physiological movements, but one thing we must remind ourselves is that orgasms can be deeply spiritual. When the Bible talks bout two becoming one flesh, it is far beyond intercourse. It is the intimacy of becoming one. Oneness of soul and desires. You are still you. She is still her. But, married sex unites the two of you in a spiritual sense that reflects the oneness Jesus has with the church. Inseparable.

Do not be embarassed expressing an orgasm with your wife. She has the privilege of seeing an aspect of your manhood that no one else on the planet gets to experience with you. And, that same goes for when your wife comes to orgasm. You are the only man on the planet, united in a covenant marriage to see an aspect of her womanhood no one else gets to see. And, you both had a part in experiencing orgasms. This is truly a part of love’s expression.

To wrap up for now, I reference the vows a groom made to his bride on their wedding day. In his heartfelt vows, he made a keen comment: “Sexual intercourse does not create intimacy. Sexual intercourse is the result of intimacy already happening.” 

Warrior On!