Dealing with Emotional Maturity

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Some of the underlying questions most men have are, “Does my life matter?” “Why am I here, and what am I to be doing with my life?”

Those questions do not reveal weakness; rather, they affirm we are created for purpose and belonging. It’s what drives a young boy towards exploration, testing his limits, and discovering what knowledge and skills he can excel at. 

Boys become young men. The stakes increase. Instead of who wins King of the Hill, it’s “Do I have the courage to ask a girl out?” “Do I have what it takes to fix that truck, or learn that musical instrument or scale that cliff?”

Finding God’s purposes is directly connected to the level of emotional maturity a guy has. 

We were all toddlers at one point in our lives. Toddlers throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want. They yell and scream, beat the floor, and throw things.  Ever seen an adult man throw a tantrum? It’s embarrassing, and frankly, a tell-sign of emotional immaturity lingering where it shouldn’t.

In his book, “Desire”, author and therapist Jay Stringer references a tool developed by Dr. Dan Siegel on understanding our emotional zones.  Siegel calls it the Window of Tolerance.  There are three emotional zones:  Green, Red, and Blue.  

Diagrams courtesy of Delane Butler Creative

Green represents safe and healthy emotions regardless of circumstances. “Stress feels manageable.” As Stringer explains, “We’re adaptable, energized and even find inspiration in the face of relational or developmental challenges.”

“When we are operating in the Green Zone, we accept life as it is.”

I’d like to add that as a man grows in his walk with Christ, emotional maturity (Siegel’s Green Zone) displays increasing evidence of the fruit of the Spirit described in Galatians 5:22-23.

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 

Here’s an example of how this impacted me.  

At a Mentoring Warriors Colorado Mountain Men Adventure Trip, 20 of us took five Jeeps on 32 miles of forested mountain backroads. Climbing up narrow, hairpin, rocky roads towards 12,000 feet above sea level, the Jeep I was driving suddenly started leaking coolant. The engine shut down, and we were literally stuck on a mountain. 

Jumping out of the Jeep, several very capable mechanically-minded men raised the hood and were in full diagnostic mode. 

“Now what, Lord?” I asked. 

Normally, this kind of mishap would stress me out. My anxiety would rise, and I’d hit what Siegel describes as the Red Zone. Instead, I asked Jesus to show up. To provide peace amidst this unexpected challenge. 

The Red Zone is reactive. Stress hits, and we go ballistic. Anxiety sends shockwaves through our body. Anger heats up. We are out of control. When you are in the Red Zone, you will either turn to distractions, like porn or alcohol, or yelling. Perhaps punch a wall or throw an object. These are each signs of emotional immaturity. 

Frankly, as the Jeep was being diagnosed, I felt as if some of the past few years of God-fathering my heart was bearing some welcomed changes. Perhaps the line of my Green Zone was expanding!

If the Green Zone is where we exhibit emotional maturity and the Red Zone is where we lose control, revealing our emotional immaturity, there is one other Zone we need to talk about: the Blue Zone.

The Blue Zone is where we check out. We go numb, disconnect relationally. Disappointment, discouragement, and depression live here. The Blue Zone might not come across loud and belligerent, but it is as much an indication of emotional immaturity as the Red Zone.

Let me give you an example of me in the Blue Zone.  My mom died on December 23, nearly 20 years ago. It was a horrible Christmas. As much as I loved my mom, helping the funeral director lift her stiff body onto the gurney was perhaps the actions of a dutiful son, but it was not a welcome opportunity.

For many years after that, whenever we would decorate the house for Christmas, I found my demeanor disconnecting. My grief refused to let me enjoy the wonder and reality of what Christmas is all about. 

When our adult kids would come for the holidays, they’d all be playing table games while I was holed up with a book on the sofa. “Dad, join us,” they’d plead. I couldn’t, until…until a good friend reminded me of my mom’s faith in Christ and her eternal destiny in heaven.  I had much to rejoice over!

Reality hasn’t changed. My mom still died on December 23. I still had to help the funeral director with her stiff body. We had her funeral on my parents’ wedding anniversary date, December 27.

What has changed is I no longer slip into the Blue Zone. I may not understand the strategy games our adult kids play, but I’m not in the corner reading a book.  I’m at least near the table, engaging in conversations or serving them treats.

My initial assumption when learning about these three emotional zones was to play it safe and avoid things that send me into the Red or Blue Zones. In other words, keep my circumstances narrow and in control. 

But that is not how emotional maturity works.  God works in each of us to expand the Green Zone into circumstances that would otherwise trigger the Red and Blue Zones. 

Using the three emotional zones as an example, here’s what emotional immaturity looks like.

Diagrams courtesy of Delane Butler Creative

Emotional immaturity will keep your world small. You will avoid difficult relationships. Your behavior towards unwanted situations will either send you into unhealthy addictions like porn, or you will isolate yourself. 

Jot down what circumstances trigger the Red and Blue Zones in you.

Here’s what emotional maturity looks like. 

Insert a diagram where the green zone is increasing in size while the red and blue are decreasing in size.

Diagrams courtesy of Delane Butler Creative

It’s not that circumstances change, but your maturity in handling them does. 

In Philippians 4, Paul tells us he learned to be content in any and every situation, whether plenty or want. His answer was Christ, who gives him strength.

The Jeep breaking down on the side of the mountain was one of those needy situations. Christ’s call was to peace and contentment, not anxiety and fret.

The rest of that Jeep story ended up like this.  This is how God showed up!

The spot on the mountain where we broke down still had cell service. (Many places don’t.) Thus, we were able to call Craig, the Jeep rental guy.

Our well-skilled, mechanically minded men diagnosed a leaking radiator correctly. 

We left the Jeep there on the side of the mountain; the four of us in that Jeep joined the other four Jeeps, while Craig sent up two men with a new radiator.

They fixed the Jeep on the mountain and got it safely back to their shop in Salida, Colorado, while all 20 of us continued our excursion. 

Upon return to Salida with the other Jeeps, the broken-down Jeep was repaired, washed, and ready for its next rental excursion. 

And, there were no repair charges!

God showed up in otherwise unwanted circumstances and in my emotional maturity. 

To wrap this up, think of some circumstances that trigger your Red and Blue Zones. Invite Jesus to show up in those circumstances in ways that increasingly reflect Christ in you, as your emotional maturity grows.

One final thought as this idea of emotional maturity relates to pursuing a woman. Many single, Warrior-aged men would like to marry. What often holds them back is emotional immaturity. Women are not interested in young men who may say they love Jesus, but are throwing adult tantrums. 

If you are a man blind to your emotional awareness, find some godly men, even a mentor, who can shoot straight with you. Ask them to point out circumstances where they have seen you go into the Red and Blue Zones. Ask them to walk with you as you invite Jesus into all of your circumstances and emotions.

This is core to finding God’s purpose for your life.

Warrior On!