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Deep in the soul of everyone is a desire to be known and loved. This is a gift from God, embedded in each of us from the point of our conception. When we wrestle with strongholds, addictions, anything that claims rights to our soul other than God Himself, we proclaim loudly through our pain the truth that we long to be known and loved.
The idea of anam cara comes from an old Gaelic term that means soul friendship. To be so attuned to another person that the Lord uses the relationship to “facilitate healing, wholeness, holiness, and spiritual formation”. AnamCara
Sometimes, I need someone to sit with me as I process hearing God. A soul friend with patience while I ramble. Perhaps to correct my dysfunctional thinking, or to lay his hand on me as a physical act of affirmation. To cry with me, rejoice with me and to otherwise love me through this journey called life.
Soul friendship is not a one-way street. It is deeply conversational. John O’Donohue, an Irish, author, philosopher and former priest says it this way:
“With anam cara, you can share your innermost self, your mind and your heart. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an anam cara, your friendship cut across all convention, morality and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the friend of your soul.”
In his book, “How to Hear God”, UK author Pete Greig outlines three things in establishing such a relationship.
- It should be a friendship-not duty but delight.
There is this notion that a mentor is a formal relationship with limited, defined boundaries. Although there may be certain mentoring relationships, such as career mentoring, that provide focused mentoring in areas of skill and professional acumen, spiritual mentorship can be an anam cara of delight.
Pete goes on to say: You need to enjoy one another’s company and be relaxed together.
2. It should be safe.
Think personal vulnerability. Think trustworthy and discreet. To quote Mike Proctor, a Mentoring Warriors Boot Camp Alum,
Vulnerability is the scariest thing a man can do. It is also the most courageous thing a man can do.
Too many men in Christian circles think they have deep man-to-man friendships, when in reality, they have nothing more than a buddy or two to come over and watch the game with.
Don’t misunderstand, anam cara, soul friendships may watch the game together, but there is an on-going history with each other that has experienced the best and worst in each other, and yet, like Christ, will refuse to abandon us.
Shame is often the biggest barrier to anam cara. We fear rejection. We fear if someone truly knew you, they would walk out on you, without hesitation.
My own journey into deeper manhood calls forth a level of vulnerability that is costly at first, but later reaps the reward of being known and loved.
3. It should be framed.
Pete Greig offers some practical advice on setting healthy boundaries in soul friendships.
- How regularly will you connect? Weekly? Monthly?
- Is it a peer-to-peer relationship or a parental one? Younger and older mentoring relationships are often parental in nature. Not an older dad treating the younger man like a boy, but in a father-son-esque soul friendship.
- How long will you relate to each other before taking a pause to reflect and review your friendship?
Pete concludes the framed point with this:
It’s far better to say “Let’s do this for a year, review and renew.” than to get trapped in a stale relationship, and it’s also far less scary!”
At Mentoring Warriors we promote iron-sharpens-iron man-to-man relationships. In fact, during the final session of a Mentoring Warriors Boot Camp we challenge every man to sign a covenant that goes something like this:
Because I see the value of godly mentoring, I covenant with the Lord that I will be in a godly iron-sharpens-iron mentoring relationship until the day I die. It might be with different men along the way, but there will be no gaps in me pursuing male friendships.
Personal experience has proven when I have such man to man anam cara soul friendships, my manhood character deepens dramatically. When I let the gap go too long, I notice how I falter into old ways.
There’s no two ways to say this other than straight-up.
Every man who wants his relationship with Jesus Christ to flourish, to experience healing, wholeness, holiness, and spiritual formation needs to have an anam cara soul friendship.
What’s holding you back?
Need help processing how to find an anam cara? Reach out to us at info@mentoring-warriors.com
We will dialogue with you on next steps.
Warrior On!
MW Editor’s Note: If you want to learn more about Anam Cara, check out this website. AnamCara
David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.
