A Key to Great Sex in Marriage

Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

A group of young adult guys and I met to talk through God’s design for sex in marriage. A few of the men had recently gotten engaged, so their interest in preparing well for sex on their honeymoons was piqued.

We had a frank, but healthy conversation, looking at a host of scriptures that provided an overview of what the Bible says about sex, including:

Genesis 4:1  

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying,

“I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.”

What we discovered was that the Hebrew word for “knew” in this verse is YADA, a deep, intimate, physical, and soul knowing of each other. Adam and Eve didn’t just have what we would call functional sex (the mechanics of intercourse); they experienced a level of human vulnerability that comes in a covenant marriage. The phrase “naked and unashamed” comes to mind. You have nothing physically or emotionally to hide.

What’s interesting is that the same Hebrew word, YADA, is found in Psalm 139:23-24.

[23] Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

[24] And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting! (ESV)

David asked God to know his heart. To deeply search every nook and cranny of his soul for anything that would grieve Him.  This is David expressing vulnerability before God.

As I often tell men, Psalm 139:23-24 is the scariest prayer a man can pray because God will search your heart. It is also the most courageous prayer a man can pray.

Vulnerability. This is at the heart of a man who wants intimacy with God and in his marriage.

I was discreet but forthright with the young men about my own sexual issues during my young adult years; how, during my singleness, I struggled with a right view of manhood, sexuality, and how to pursue a woman. Later on, as a married man, God showed me how sex is a beautiful gift to be shared with my wife!

One takeaway is the risk and reward of vulnerability. Completely naked and unashamed in our relationship with God, first, experiencing a soul depth few know, and how that relates to having great sex in marriage.

This diagram on communication shows five levels of how couples communicate. It’s taken from a book entitled “Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?” by John Powell

1. Cliches don’t require much vulnerability. You can ask about the weather or mention your favorite sports team.  “When it rains, it pours!”  Friendly but shallow.

2. Facts. These are what I call the logistics of life. You have a basketball game tomorrow night, and your wife has a girls’ night out. Someone needs to pick up the kids, and the lawn needs mowing. None of this requires vulnerability. 

3. Ideas and Opinions. You think the new neighbors are strange. Your wife thinks you should take more days off at Christmas. She doesn’t like the beard you are growing. You want to buy a new grill on your credit card. She thought Sunday’s sermon was good.  None of this takes much vulnerability.

4. Feelings. Now we’re talking about deeper stuff.  You think your new boss is out to get you, and you aren’t sure what to do. You are losing sleep over the anxiety of it all.  Your wife wants to know she’s making a difference, leading the middle school girls at church. She wonders if she’s saying the right things. You feel as if no one is listening to you.  Can you see how feelings require a level of vulnerability?

5. Openness. Nothing is held back. You are an open book with your spouse, and although it may bring out some painful feelings and discussions, because you love each other as Christ loves you, you are safe with each other. Depth to your marriage comes out in how you lovingly speak and listen to each other, how you physically and sexually connect.  This is what everyone is longing for.  The question is, are you experiencing this level of relationships?

The sad reality is that many Christ-following couples never get much past level 3: ideas and opinions. In fact, once children come along, a majority of communication in your young family is centered on level 2: Facts. 

As my wife and I remind ourselves, life is full of dirty dishes and laundry. If we are not careful, we will live in chore mode, missing out on the deeper levels of connections God created us for.

I am never fully in my manhood element unless I am living at levels 4 and 5. 

You may date a gal, fall in love, and experience a taste of levels 4 and 5 enough so that you propose and get married. Perhaps on your honeymoon, the sexual aspects of 4 and 5 are celebrated! That is an awesome experience to have! I recall our honeymoon in the Canadian Rockies. Given how our dating was essentially non-existent (we were in two countries during our four years of dating and engagement), our honeymoon was the first time we actually were present with each other for more than five days.

Great sex can happen in marriage when levels 4 and 5 are expressed and experienced. 

For a man to lead, he needs to be comfortable with talking about feelings and becoming vulnerable. Keeping your relationship at levels 1 through 3 will not result in the kind of intimacy both of you desire as husband and wife.

So, how do you practice levels 4 and 5: feelings and openness?

It comes by asking one question at a time. Becoming good at asking questions that draw out your spouse, and simultaneously becoming a good listener. 

Good listeners are patient. They don’t rush the conversation but gently unpack more of their spouse’s heart in a safe and loving space.

To wrap up, if you are single in search of a wife, learn to pursue a woman’s heart. Start at level 1, Cliches, and patiently guide the relationship towards level 3: ideas and opinions. Yes, you can have levels 4 and 5 (feelings and openness) as a dating couple without being sexual. Although as both of you experience increased sexual desires, the closer you get, there are healthy ways to invite the Lord in without going too far sexually.

If you are married and find yourselves hovering around levels 2 and 3 (Facts and ideas-opinions), then, as the husband, begin moving the conversations towards the deeper levels.  If you need some ideas on how to do this, follow this link to another Mentoring Warriors article entitled Restaurant Sex  .

Warrior On!