10 Things Every Boy Needs From His Dad (And Might Search For In Porn)

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MW Editor’s Note: Mentoring Warriors welcomes guest author Drew Boa to the Tribe. Drew leads Husband Material Ministries, helping men outgrow porn. He’s the author of the book “Outgrow Porn”. In this article, Drew outlines 10 things guys needed from their fathers but may not have received, and provides answers on where to turn for hope. Welcome Drew!

“Children and adolescents do not need one 100-minute (awkward and painful) sexual health conversation; they need 100 one-minute conversations. They need sexual and relational education delivered in many, many sound bites, weekly, across their entire childhood and teen years.” —Tina Schermer Sellers

How much sexual guidance did you get from your dad?

If your father was not your primary sex educator, your needs didn’t disappear. Instead, you were forced to seek alternative sources of sex education—probably through peers, predators, or pornography. Below is a list of 10 examples of what boys need from their fathers that they often pursue through porn, along with some reflection questions:

1. Boys need presence, not absence.

• Was your dad gone a lot?
• Did he have workaholic tendencies?
• When he came home, spent hours disconnecting from the family?

2. Boys need tenderness, not toughness.

• How much did your dad hug you?
• How often did he play with you?
• Did you long for his touch—outside of spankings and other punishments you may have received?

3. Boys need hospitality, not hostility.

• Did you feel unsafe to be honest with your dad?
• If you shared your genuine thoughts and feelings with him, did he react angrily?
• Did he yell at you, hit you, or humiliate you?

4. Boys need education, not ignorance.

• Did you have questions about sex that your dad never answered?
• Did you feel curiosity about topics he never explored with you?
• Did your dad delay or neglect “the talk” about sex until you had already discovered porn or masturbation?

5. Boys need clarity, not confusion.

• Did you lack clarity about the appropriateness of various sexual activities, including watching porn?
• Did you need someone to teach you healthy boundaries and protect you from potential sexual abuse?

6. Boys need adventure, not obligation.

• As a teenager, did you feel obligated to abstain from developmentally appropriate sexual experiences like holding hands or expressing romantic interest in girls?
• Did your dad emphasize rules and restrictions rather than the adventure of growing up and trying new things?

7. Boys need celebration, not secrecy.

• Did your dad fail to celebrate the goodness of sex and sexuality?
• Did he rarely show physical affection or sexual interest in your mom?
• Did he pretend to have no sexual thoughts or feelings?

8. Boys need vulnerability, not perfectionism.

• Was your dad guarded?
• Did he hide his mistakes and insecurities from you?
• Did you wish he was more authentic?

9. Boys need identification, not alienation.

• Did you ever feel like a different species than your dad?
• Did you ever wonder if your penis looked like his?
• Did you feel cut off from his masculinity or positive qualities?
• Did you need assurance of your own masculinity?

10. Boys need blessing, not cursing.

• Did your dad constantly criticize you?
• Did he frequently focus on what you could have done better rather than celebrating your progress?
• Did you desperately wish to receive your dad’s words of validation and affirmation?
• Did you long to hear him say, “I’m proud of you”?

Wherever you said yes to these questions, porn filled in the gaps. In the orphaned places of your heart, porn fathered you.

Whether you have historically preferred porn featuring women or men (or both), porn played a fatherly role by initiating you into the world of sexuality and inviting you into an ongoing, intimate apprenticeship where your curiosity was welcomed.

Perhaps you experience a sexualized father hunger that predisposes you to prefer porn featuring men. Or you may feel more aroused by watching a couple and picturing yourself as the man in the relationship. Not surprisingly, porn often prominently features penises. The penis symbolizes masculinity and male sexuality, and it can also symbolize a fatherly or brotherly presence which you may feel like you lacked. (There are many other possible explanations of why the penis might appeal to someone as a sexual symbol.)

Under-fathered men often feel insecure about who they are. They doubt themselves, unsure if they have what it takes to be a man. They suspect other men have some elusive quality they can never quite attain. Their thoughts of comparison alternate between superiority and inferiority. Under-fathered men crave attention and affirmation like oxygen. Porn taps into this by providing a place where a man doesn’t have to be “good enough.”

If you have been under-fathered, you can experience healing and redemption through being re-fathered by God in community with other men. You can also re-father yourself through inner child work and other types of therapy.

I have often heard men share how much healing they’ve found through becoming a father or a mentor to younger men. These redemptive experiences can reverse the curse of being functionally fatherless, resulting in renewed self-confidence and a greater sense of purpose.

As you experience re-fathering and gain confidence in your identity as a man, porn begins to lose its power.

Warrior On!

MW Editor’s Note: If Drew’s article resonates with you, reach out to him at www.husbandmaterial.com. Through Husband Material Ministries, he can help men who are married or single outgrow porn and learn to be fathered by God in a community of healing.

If you follow Mentoring Warriors and would like help working through the Outgrow Porn book and workbook, reach out to us at info@mentoring-warriors.com