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Sitting in a weekend conference on authentic relationships, a phrase was used repeatedly that began to soak into my soul:
High Trust Environments of Grace
If you and I are honest with each other, the depths of our souls long for such. To put it another way, we long to be seen, known (understood), and loved.
When each of our grandkids was born, they longed to be seen: “Grandpa, watch me!”
Or, “Hold me!” as they stretched their arms up.
I recall being a teenager holed up in my converted garage bedroom, wondering if there was anyone who actually cared enough to know me, see me, and love me. Sure, I was in a loving family, but there were aspects of my life that were both confused and desperately lonely simultaneously.
From early on, until the day we pass away, God made us to long for high-trust environments of grace.
Jesus always has open arms ready to receive us into such high trust grace. In fact, with the ascension of Jesus after his resurrection and the coming of the Holy Spirit, God Himself abides in every follower of Jesus. You are never closer to Christ than you are right now. The question isn’t “Is God there?” The call is to draw near to Him in the most intimate, high-trusting spiritual relationship you can have with God.
That desire for high trust holds true in our horizontal relationships with others. We were created for, long for such high-trust relationships of grace.
Proverbs 27:17 is a core verse at Mentoring Warriors.
“Iron sharpens iron. One man sharpens another.”
At Mentoring Warriors, we talk about four levels of relationships.
Discovery– This is where you discover commonalities with others you meet
“Oh, you like the Kansas City Chiefs, too!”
“What? You like Coke? No way, I like Pepsi!”
“Oh, so you know Jeff, too! Awesome!”
“Camping? Dude, I love camping! We should go sometime!”
The reality is, as benign as some of the conversations seem, you are building phatic connections of low-level trust that have the potential to become high levels of trust if you both work at it.
Authentic- This is the initial point where a Discovery-level relationship pivots to that first level of deeper trust.
“Man, I cannot keep my mind off that gorgeous woman over there.”
“Yeah, I struggle getting to work on time.”
“Dude, when I get lonely, I get wasted.”
“I really want to know God better, but I just can’t seem to get into reading the Bible.”
Authenticity is about testing the waters with someone. “Is your life all polished and great looking, or do you have flaws like I do?” If your friend reciprocates, your relationship has moved to a deeper level of trust, albeit there’s much more to unpack.
Transparency- Let’s say you and your friend express mutual struggles with lust at the authentic level. What comes next is usually more detail about what specifically you are struggling with regarding lust.
“So, yeah, what happens is I get home and I’m all alone. With my phone in bed, I start scrolling. Next thing I know, I’m watching porn and gotta go clean up and change my shorts.”
Your friend might respond with “Dude, yeah, I’m in the same situation.” What determines if this level of transparency turns destructive or becomes a challenge to rise above centers largely on whether both of you invite Jesus into the struggle.
“Hey, how about if either one of us gets tempted, let’s text each other. My mentor told me about this thing they do at Mentoring Warriors called pre-emptive strikes. When a guy is triggered to give in, he texts his mentor for help and prayer.”
Versus…
“Hey, next time you find some raunchy sites, send me the links so I can look at them too.”
You get the picture of what trusting transparency looks like.
Vulnerability– This is where the highest levels of high-trust relationships of grace live. You are an open book with your brother in the faith because both of you know that you are secure in Jesus, and out of his unwavering love for you, you can share anything with your brother and know he will not abandon the relationship. Both of you see, understand, and love each other.
This is what iron sharpens iron is all about.
Using the last example, a conversation might look something like this…
“Man, I’m so glad you texted me last night. How did it end up? Did you give in or did you stop?”
“In all honesty, after I texted you a pre-emptive strike, I kept scrolling. I could feel my body wanting sex so bad. My heart was racing. I got super hard, and then something inside me just stopped. It was like this still small voice telling me that I was deeply loved by God and that I had friends like you who had my back. Next thing I knew, I fell asleep and nothing happened, if you know what I mean.”
Recently, I went through a struggle with the fear of man. Like a solar flare, it shot up seemingly out of nowhere. For weeks, I’d wake up in the middle of the night, worried if people would like me if I expanded my comfort zones (all amoral choices).
“Jesus, why this struggle?”
In my relationship with Jesus, he kindly showed me some boyhood shrapnel that needed to be removed. I realized I could come to him with shame and struggles, confess what happened, repent of my stupid stuff as a kid, and be trusting enough to let a few close friends in on my struggle.
I quickly discovered not condemnation but a level of understanding and grace I needed to work through things.
It’s dawned on me that there is a direct correlation between my manhood maturity and whether I have high-trust relationships of grace.
This is difficult for me to say, but there are way too many of us “God-fearing” men who don’t have a single man-to-man high-trust relationship of grace. As such, we’re missing out on an entirely deeper level of life, both with others and with God.
This is not an exhaustive list, but here are three things you can do to foster high-trust relationships of grace:
- Pursue a deeper intimacy with Jesus. Invite him into every aspect of your life. And, I mean every aspect: work, sleeping, diet, purchases, entertainment, reading, friendships, emotions, sexual desires…
- Ask Jesus for an iron-sharpening-iron friend. He will give you a name. Then, initiate a coffee or time to connect. If you don’t know him well, start with the first level of relationship noted above: discovery.
- Journal your deeper longings. You do not have to be elaborate or eloquent in your journal, just honestly raw. You will be amazed at how God steps into your rawness.
Need help navigating this? Reach out to us at info@mentoring-warriors.com
Warrior On!
David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.
