Are You Listening to Me?

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Camden sat across from his mentor.  At 19, figuring out life was at times unbearable. He was so confused. University demands, relationships, identity, even issues of his purpose in life overwhelmed him. 

Camden tried a lot of different things while in college and to be honest, experimented with substances and sexual promiscuity in the process. It all left him wounded. Heartbroken. Shame filled his psyche. He lost sleep. His grades suffered. 

Somewhere along the way, he met up with this older guy, John. They had coffee here and there off campus and began talking a lot about some of the things that he was going through. 

At one point, it’s almost as if the mentor was in another world. His eyes glazed over from all of the stuff that Camden was verbalizing. 

That’s when Camden interrupted himself and asked. 

“Are you actually listening to me?”

John was caught off guard. At best, he was spewing out canned answers to Camden’s woes. It became evident to both of them that John really wasn’t listening to what was going on in Camden’s heart. 

Ephesians chapter 6 talks about the fact that our battles are not against flesh and blood but against principalities and spiritual forces in the heavenly places. 

Even though Camden was a professing agnostic, he admitted that there had to be help outside of himself somewhere “up there” to get him out of this mess. 

Frankly, that meeting with his mentor didn’t go so great. A lot of it had to do with the mentor’s inability to actually listen to what Camden was saying. 

That brings up a vital skill that good mentors need to have. Listening. Not just to the words being said, but to what is being said behind the words. 

We like to call it unpacking the heart. 

In those verses in Ephesians chapter 6 the writer Paul is talking about our battles not being flesh and blood, rather, spiritual in nature. Truth is what really was going on in Camden’s heart wasn’t the issue of poor grades or time management. Even his struggles with substances or having sex before marriage. Granted all of those are symptoms of what really is happening deep in his heart. 

When Camden asked the question, “Are you actually listening to me?” What he was really asking was “Do you hear my heart?”

There are some therapy words that I’ve heard used to describe what Camden was actually wanting. Attention. Attunement.  In other words, 

“Do you see me? Do you hear me, and do you love me?” 

That desire to be heard comes out of our being made in the image of God. 

In Psalm 139, it talks about the fact that God intimately knows all of our ways. That God knows everything about us. And the amazing truth is he loves us even when we are a hot mess! 

Camden and John didn’t meet for almost a month. In fact, texting back and forth dropped off significantly. But eventually they reconnected.

During that month’s time, John had a bit of a wake up call. He was recounting this story to a men’s accountability group that he was a part of at his church. Going into that conversation, John was positioning himself as if he was right in how he was dealing with Camden. 

One of the accountability men pushed back on John’s assumptions. 

“You know John. You’re a great man. In this group, we talk a lot about high trust relationships of grace. Out of grace. I am going to tell you it sounds as if Camden was right. You weren’t listening to him.”

John bristled at first, but asked his friend to continue.

“Camden is 19. Young. Figuring life out. Doing his own thing and making a mess of it. Listening has more to do with asking the right questions; questions not to interrogate, but to unfold what is going on inside of him.  That approach will build into the high trust of grace we practice here.”

The next time John and Camden met, John apologized for not truly listening.  “Start over?” John asked.

This time, as Camden unpacked his woes, John asked questions that dramatically changed Camden’s countenance. This time, there was actual conversation. Camden’s face lit up when he saw how his actions were part of a deeper issue in his soul. 

So, what does it take to be a good listener?

1. Learn to listen to Jesus.  John 15 is the chapter on abiding in Christ. The more we stay near to the presence of Jesus, the better we will hear from him and that in turn will improve how we listen to people.

2. Ask good, unpacking questions.  Yes and No responses will get you nowhere. I recall the late Francis Schaeffer describing watershed thinking. Two thoughts look almost identical, but if you follow them through, they can end up oceans apart. Most of us don’t think through the implications of our initial ideas. Asking questions that lead to the next thought or result can shed light on where someone is currently struggling.  

3. Good listeners know how to parrot back what the other person was saying.  “In other words…”

This gives an opportunity for the person speaking to clarify, “No, what I actually meant to say was…”  or “Spot on!  You heard me well!”

Think about how Jesus listens to us. He’s patient. Doesn’t interrupt. Supernaturally speaks to our souls, bringing conviction or confirmation in our thinking.

Much healing can happen when we actually listen to one another.

Good mentors grow in their listening skills.

Warrior On!