Heavy-How to Carry a Life of Meaning

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MW Editor’s Note: Mentoring Warriors welcomes back Justin Wells. Justin is a passionate 20-something, overflowing with his love for the outdoors and Jesus. You can follow Justin Wells on Substack

I love rucking. I searched and struggled to find the proper definition of rucking but for those who don’t know, rucking is quite simply walking with a weighted backpack or vest. The act of rucking is a beautiful thing because it helps build your cardio as well as your strength and endurance. My first interaction with rucking occurred the summer before my first elk hunt. I’m a Missouri boy, and we have some rough terrain in our neck of the woods but it’s nothing compared to the mountains of the West. I didn’t have an elk tag that year, but a friend invited me out to Idaho to follow him around the mountains and start learning the ropes before I invested in an elk tag of my own. Blessed with such an amazing opportunity to be taught the basics of hunting a new species by a local, I made a commitment that I was going to get in shape. The last thing I wanted was to be a liability or slow anyone down when I got out on the mountain.

After only doing a little bit of research, it quickly became apparent that one of the best ways to train for hiking in the mountains carrying lots of weight in your backpack was to throw some weight in a backpack and start hiking miles. I love the ignorance of what I did next(and I do mean that). Though maybe innocence would be a kinder word to describe my actions, because I now look back fondly on memories like these, when I didn’t do things perfectly. But that was ok because I did it with the right heart. When I heard of the simplicity of rucking, I didn’t worry about gear. I didn’t have a nice frame pack or hiking boots. I didn’t spend much time contemplating how much water I should bring or how far was an appropriate distance to ruck for a first timer. I laced up my tennis shoes (no ankle support or tread) and grabbed an old backpack (no hip belt, tension straps, or frame) that I think I’ve had since the 9th grade. Then, I proceeded to hike the four-mile loop around the lake by my parents’ house. With a quick Google search, I found out that an elk hindquarter can weigh upwards of 80 pounds, so I decided a good starter weight for my first four-mile ruck with my back-to-school section backpack would be 50 pounds.

There’s an ancient proverb I’ve heard leave the lips of many a blue-collar man during my childhood, and it goes something like this: “If you’re gonna be dumb, then you gotta be tough.” The miles crushed me, my legs burned like fire, and I carried all the weight on my shoulders because I didn’t have a hip belt. I stumbled and almost rolled my ankle multiple times because there was literally zero ankle support on my shoes. By the halfway point, the 50 pounds I was certain would be light felt like I was carrying the weight of the world. I was almost sure I wouldn’t finish, but now I had to complete the loop because turning back would mean walking the same distance home so I might as well see some new scenery as I continue to suffer. The thought crosses my mind to call my parents to come pick me up, but the pride of a young man prevents me from picking up the phone (we will come back to that later).

At that moment, there was only one logical option: take one more step. I didn’t think I could go any farther, and I proved myself wrong with every step after. One tired, painful step at a time, I worked my way back to the house where I hyperventilated on the floor for a bit before I drank all the water I sweated out and did EVERYTHING that didn’t involve me walking on my tender and weak ankles. Physically, I was drained, but mentally, a fire started to burn in my heart. “I can’t believe how badly I wanted to quit, but I didn’t,” and something else was there, too, although in my immaturity, I couldn’t have named it at the time. My pride had been broken and replaced with a bit of confidence. What was false was ultimately replaced by what was real. There was no longer a question mark that sat above my capability and my limits. The beautiful thing about rucking is that it showed me exactly where I stood.

So much of my Christian life has really felt shallow because I did not look for or invite Jesus to be a part of all of my life. For many years, it was just easier to leave Jesus at church and in my morning devotionals, so I could simply check a box and move on. I recently heard a sermon where a young pastor communicated how the increasingly common phrase “It’s not about religion, it’s about a relationship with Jesus” gets thrown around so much without people actually contemplating what it means. Christianity is notorious for this, whitewashed tombs, pretty words, and dead souls. John 3:16 may be one of the most powerful verses in all of scripture, yet I see the same thing happen to it. We expect the enemy to show up in tragedy and destruction. But I promise you that more of the devil’s work is done when we water down the truth and speak words outside the integrity of the way we actually live our lives. The young pastor continued to communicate that the way this phrase is often used is to communicate an ease in following Jesus without pressure and without cost.

The reality is that religion is actually way easier than a relationship. Relationships are messy, and in good relationships, you can’t get away with showing up and putting on a mask. My wife knows when I’m not ok, and because of her love for me, she refuses to let me stay in that broken place. I am called out in love because of her belief in who God has created me to be………… Now let’s talk about Jesus. In the same way, by committing to a relationship with Jesus, I am now committing to live my life alongside another person who knows me more than I know myself. Not only that, but I am also committed to getting his feedback via the Holy Spirit at all times. Now I know that this can feel overwhelming, but I can promise you that pressure isn’t the goal. So, what is the goal, then? As simply as I can communicate it, the goal is to be broken.

Now, before you tell me “this is too harsh” and before you ask me “what about God’s grace?” Let me ask you a question. Why would a good God choose to break that which he created? Perhaps we have become something other than what Jesus intended us to be. Something happened back in Eden when Adam and Eve chose to sin. Because of their shame, they hid and sewed together fig leaves to hide their vulnerability, and folks, would you believe me if I told you that we have been doing the same thing ever since. To avoid shame and vulnerability, we construct these elaborate fig leaves to hide behind. We build up versions of ourselves that we hope people will like, and even if they don’t, it hurts less because it’s not actually us. When one has committed to walk with Jesus, one must first commit to be broken. Not the person that God created us to be, but rather the person who we have manufactured, must die so that the person God intended may live. God will only crush those which he intends to redeem. Wow! It reminds me of that one time a wise man said, “Those who seek to save their lives lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it”. Or in other words, we can begin to walk in freedom because we begin to replace pride with confidence, just like that moment when I was carrying that rucksack.

The richest parts of my faith come when I can embody the principles that Jesus teaches into my everyday life. This is why you’ve probably noticed that I love telling stories. I don’t want to intentionally shine the light on myself, but how Jesus most often speaks to me and changes my heart is when he combines a soul level reality with that of physical experience and when I draw those parallels between what I’m hearing from the Lord and what I’m experiencing that’s when real growth happens. Marriage has become a metaphor for how Jesus has loved me well and how I have an opportunity to love like Jesus. Serving in a church provides an opportunity for me to take physical action on the kinds of things that God says are important work in the kingdom.

Rucking has been one of those things that communicates to my soul that only when you are broken can God step in and shape you into who he wants you to be. It’s been years now that I’ve kept rucking as a rhythm. Sometimes I’ve got a hunt to train for. Right now, I don’t, but I take intentional time to carry the weight. The equipment has been upgraded, I’ve got a pack with an internal frame that keeps the weight off my shoulders and on my hips. I’ve got lace-up hiking boots that support my ankles and help with my stability in rough terrain. These are nice luxuries and I believe they help me recover faster and carry the weight longer, but you wanna know the truth…………. It’s still heavy. Even with the nice gear, there comes a point in almost every ruck where I want to cut it short and call it quits. More than any physical benefit that rucking can give me, I choose to carry the weight so that I can find that moment.

Most of the time I ruck on a gravel forest service road and there’s no one up there ever. No one would know if I quit or if I just decided to cut the ruck short. Even though I planned on rucking four miles, I could still do three miles and have an awesome picture of my watch and my pack covered in sweat to post on Instagram. That prideful man needs to die in order that the true man may live. Pride looks great on social media highlight reels, but it’s only living in integrity that will bring you peace. In those quiet moments when no one’s around and the real you is safe to come out, you know whether or not you are who you say you are. I don’t carry the weight for others; I carry the weight because it tests me in all the right ways. I carry the weight because it becomes a physical metaphor for the responsibilities I find myself carrying as a man. In those moments of hardship, I have a unique opportunity to start to sort out what about myself is real and what is fake. Living in integrity is heavy. When I say that it is heavy, I think it would serve you best to consider the weight I’m speaking of as the things that really matter to you, and as a challenge, may I ask you how you are carrying that weight? Husband, Father, Son, Leader, Servant. Take an honest look at the roles that God has given you and ask yourself, “Am I carrying the responsibility of stewarding my heart and the hearts of others well?” or maybe even “Am I sacrificing the things that God has said matter most on behalf of what God says matters the least?”.

Hard questions, right? But let no shame get in the door here. I don’t think Jesus would want that. Rather, let me end this article by simply saying YOU WERE MADE FOR MORE. Most men know this, and to be honest, I don’t associate myself with men who haven’t had those words haunting them since they were a boy. I’m not saying that I was made to be rich, I was made to be popular, or that I was made to be famous. Quite simply, before my last breath leaves my lungs, I want to know that I made a difference in the lives of the people I care about. In this one precious life you’ve been given, you were made to count. Not only that, but you were made to count in ways that only you can. No one else is married to your wife, no one else has your kids, and no one else has your particular group of friends. If you do not choose to love them like Jesus would and lead them like Jesus would, then who will?

That’s heavy. I heard a pastor use this metaphor in a sermon the other day. He said, “Young men are like an old farm truck; they will always drive straighter with some weight in the bed.” I LOVE THAT. Yes, the weight is in fact heavy, but son, believe me when I tell you that you were made to carry it, and not only that, but you were designed to carry that weight well. As a man, God has intended and designed you perfectly to lead and steward the hearts of others. Now it may not feel like it, and you may feel wholly untrained for that task, but if you are willing to lay down your pride and take one more step forward, even when it feels impossible, you are going to realize that you are more capable than you ever thought. That as you come to the end of what is false in your life, you begin to pick up and carry what is true because you are becoming true. Pride is replaced with quiet strength, lust is replaced with selfless love, bitterness is replaced with kindness, and pretending is replaced with peace. Maybe that’s why Jesus says his yoke is easy, because in comparison to living our lives in constant comparison and discontent, we can rest in the peace of becoming who God has created us to be. Yeah, responsibility is heavy, but I’d rather carry the weight of responsibility on a quiet trail by myself and have peace than put down the weight and be counted among the pretenders. Trust me when I say you won’t get it right all the time, and that’s why we need the wonderful grace of Jesus. What matters most is that you continue to take that next step and continue to let God use hard things to replace that which is false with that which is real. May I never write beyond that which I have actually lived, I’ll see you out there……….

Warrior On!