|
Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...
|
MW Editor’s Note: Mentoring Warriors welcomes Andy Bogner to the Warrior Tribe as a guest author. Andy is currently working on a doctorate in Counseling Psychology from Regent University. As part of a class on leadership, coaching, and mentoring, Andy reached out to Mentoring Warriors with a series of questions. Below, you will find the questions and the responses provided by Mentoring Warriors’ Executive Director, David Riffel.
1. In what ways do you set goals for your mentee to help them grow and develop?
Each mentee (also known as a warrior) is facing challenges in their journey of manhood that require the presence of God. Although they may face common struggles that most young men face, their particular story is theirs, and it needs goals that are achievable and set up opportunities for God to do a good work in them. For example. Many young men I mentor struggle with porn, to which I tell them, “Porn is not the problem. It’s a symptom.” From there, we set goals such as getting them signed up with online monitoring and blocking services like Covenant Eyes.
We also work with them on core issues in their manhood that deal with skewed views of sexuality, manhood, womanhood, and their view of God. This past Spring, a young man was engaged and asked for help in preparing for marriage. We set goals for not just actions-behaviors, but for deeper worldview shifts that needed to take place before the wedding day.
Setting goals is a mutual discussion. I don’t demand or force a formula. We talk about customizing the pace and the action items to fit their situation without compromising scripture.
2. What are ways you have “leveled the playing field” to be more approachable with mentees?
At Mentoring Warriors, we model three things: authenticity, transparency, and vulnerability. I speak about these in my book, Mentoring Warriors. Often, a young man is struggling, desperate to tell someone but fearing rejection if he is found out. I often see it in their body language, so I model those three levels of deeper relationships by confessing my struggles, past or present, that relate to what they are going through. Wichita State University Department of Psychology did qualitative research for my book. They found that a good mentor is first safe. I want to level the playing field by being a safe person.
3. How do you determine who will be a good mentor and match them with an appropriate mentee?
Is the mentor safe? Do they have a heart for God and empathy for the young men that could be mentored? Is the mentor available? Can they invest the time needed to see the young man mature?
As for the warrior, are they hungry? Too many times, a young man will ask, “Can you be my mentor?” only to never follow through on their part of paying the cost by committing to being mentored. For example, one young man asked for a mentor. I followed up with him five times, with no follow-through response. Finally, I dropped him.
Often, I ask the would-be mentee to take the self-assessment on the Mentoring Warriors website. Mentoring Warriors Self Assessment , If they don’t, I drop them. They are not serious.
The best warrior (mentee) is one who asks you to be his mentor and follows through with intentional pursuit.
4. Self-efficacy is the concept of a person knowing what they can successfully achieve and complete. How can you balance challenge and ability with your mentees to encourage growing self-efficacy?
The biggest gap in most of these young men we mentor is a poor view of themselves. They have the maturity of boys with beards. Their view of manhood is skewed, even if they were raised in a Christian home. Passivity in fathers contributes to this malady. They underestimate themselves and fall woefully short. There are two things that I say to young men that seem to help make the shift towards greater self-efficacy.
- “I believe in you.”
- “You have what it takes…”
Recently, a 25-year-old young man, falling in love, questioned his ability to lead. His grip on porn and masturbation was a huge chain around his neck. As we focused on his true identity in Christ, I watched him walk physically straighter, give himself more credit, and win the upper hand on porn and masturbation. His confidence in dating, proposing, and getting married has been a 180! That, coupled with my modeling transparency and vulnerability, has given him the freedom to process the anticipation of sex on the honeymoon with greater confidence. His sense of ability was there, it was his confidence that was lacking.
5. How is feedback shared in the mentoring process?
Words of affirmation. Regardless of our age, as men, we are constantly asking for delight and validation. Your life matters, and you have what it takes. Sometimes we talk through a failure with grace. What happened? Why did you get, for example, drunk this past weekend? We look at the heart and see where things are out of line with God. We also celebrate successes! His temptation to masturbate and chose not to. His decreasing masturbation and now normal, sinless nocturnal emissions. High Five moments!
Before you think every mentoring situation deals with porn, there are other things like job interviews, healthily leaving mom and dad. Usually, over coffee, on a walk in one-on-one settings, we offer feedback through questions: “How do you think you did in that situation?” The goal is to get them to self-evaluate versus waiting for me to offer feedback.
6. How do you motivate your mentee?
Getting them to see the value of the larger story and not get bogged down in the micro details. Prayer. Inviting Jesus into the situation. Setting incremental goals that build to greater motivation. For example, every summer we have a Colorado Mentoring Warriors Mountain Man Adventure Trip, which includes hiking a 14er (a mountain higher than 14,000 feet above sea level)! That is a great goal for them to achieve!
7. How do you help the mentee learn without becoming a teacher?
“As you go through life, make disciples,” Jesus said that. Mentoring is not a classroom setting. It’s life on life. It’s engaging in the details and rhythms of life. It’s opening yourself up to them. Inviting them over or to join you in your life events. It’s setting up opportunities for the Holy Spirit to do in the warrior what you could never do.
If you are interested in mentoring, from a Christ-centered perspective, and need help getting started, reach out to our helpline at Mentoring Warriors Help Line
Warrior On!
