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The idea of mentoring has become in vogue. “I have a mentor.” or “I mentor.” Noble- or it can be. Just because you use the word mentor doesn’t make you one. Here are five essentials we champion at Mentoring Warriors.
1. Prioritize your imperfect but ongoing walk with Jesus. We didn’t say church attendance or a litany of religious acts you’ve done. At the core of effective mentoring, in any context, is having an ongoing, living relationship with Jesus. Not calling on Jesus when in crisis, while you do life out of your strength the rest of the time, but an ever-deepening dependency on Jesus in all aspects of life.
This may sound too granular for some, but it means that Christ is seen in how you speak with others. In how you steward your monthly budget. In what media you watch. In the choices you make at the grocery store. In your work-life balance. In your exercise. In your… Well, you get the idea.
The first essential in mentoring is having an ongoing, imperfect walk with Jesus.
2. Think generational masculinity. This concept is deeply rooted in 2 Timothy 2:2.
“and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also.”
An effective mentor’s life does not pivot on himself. He’s intentional about investing in the next generation. Think about this. When you were a boy, you longed for an older man to delight and validate in you. Granted, at ages 6 or 7 or 10 or 12, you were not saying to yourself,
“I sure wish an older man would take delight and validate me, investing in my character as I mature into manhood.”
What you were saying loud and clear in your behavior was, “Would someone love me and show me how to fish?”
Manhood is bestowed. You don’t get it because you went through puberty and now have muscles and can grow a mustache. Jesus’ dad, Joseph, invested in him through boyhood and into his adolescent years. Time together working on wood and stone was invaluable in making Jesus into a godly man. Jesus’ deity was enhanced by the fatherly-bestowed calloused hands he had.
When you die, who will have been impacted by your life in a mentoring way? Who will be more of a godly man, following Jesus because of your investment in their life?
Too many of us men are siloed in our thinking. We view our Jesus life about how it benefits us with little regard to how the next generation of men are going to follow Jesus. I’ve heard conversations about how the next generation is becoming weaker in their faith. What if the lack of investing in the next generation has something to do with that?
Think generational masculinity.
3. Look for teachable young men. Just because a young man you know fits many of the qualifications for a mentoring relationship, that is no guarantee that he will thrive if you mentor him. The essential thing you need to be looking for is teachability. Is he hungry for a deeper level of manhood maturity in his character? How does he respond to correction? Is he quick to admit his mistakes, or does he gloss over them?
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” Those are Jesus’ words. (Mathew 7)
A young adult pastor I know is pro-mentoring. He frequently tells the young adults that it is up to them to ask for a mentor. “Don’t expect someone to walk up to you and invite you into a mentoring relationship. You must ask. Part of asking reveals your teachability.”
Look for teachable young men.
4. Practice the four levels of relationships. In the book, Mentoring Warriors, I offer four levels of relationships, building blocks as it were, that can lead to deep, effective mentoring:
Discover.-(formerly called Superficial). This is the fun stage! As you get to know each other, you find commonalities that become building blocks for a deeper relationship. Often, it’s things like common interests in sports, hobbies, and topics. As author Tim Muelhoff describes, discovering commonalities builds phatic connections in the relationship. These connections build trust that can stand the test of time later on. I used to think all the “weather-talk” was a waste of time. I wanted to dive into the deeper things right away. Reality is that depth follows the patient and slow process of discovering commonalities with each other.
Authentic.– Here is where the ice is broken and the relationship takes a deeper shift towards trust. “Can I tell you something?” is often a question someone asks when they are testing the waters of trust with you. “Can I trust you? Will you still love me if I share my brokenness?”
As a mentor, it will take you to model this level of authenticity. This is when masks come off and real relationships have a platform to build from. Unless the young man you mentor is in crisis, it will require you to be gut-level honest about some of your past that God is healing.
Transparency.-This is where the truths of Proverbs 27:17 come through. “As iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens another.” Hearts are revealed because trust has been established. Honestly, transparency can be painful. Grown men struggle with transparency. We live with the fear of being rejected. However, when the first two levels have been well-established (Discover and Authenticity), Transparency will flow naturally. We probe deeper, unpeeling layers of the soul, and although there may be some tearful conversations, the richness of being known and loved comes forth.
Vulnerability.-When I had quadruple bypass heart surgery, I was physically vulnerable to whatever the surgeons did with my body. Cutting me open, stopping my heart, and routing my blood through a heart-lung machine. Poking and prodding, All to improve and save my life; which they did!
When you are vulnerable, there is nothing held back in terms of what aspects of you your mentor sees. Emotions, actions, thinking, and faith, each with a story that comes out of the manhood journey you are on.
Think of an inverted triangle. At the top is Discovery, at the bottom is Vulnerability. You may have “hundreds” of friends at the Discovery level, fewer at the Authentic level, still fewer at the Transparency level, and a handful at most at the Vulnerability level. The challenge for both mentors and warriors is few of us have relationships at all four levels. Many of us hover in the Discovery and Authentic levels and think we are doing well as men. Reality is, we each need a few Transparent man-to-man relationships and one or two Vulnerable relationships.
Practice the four levels of relationships.
5. Four levels of Real Accountability. There’s one more essential to effective mentoring: Accountability. Accountability has gotten a bad rap in recent years. We treat it more as a punishment than an opportunity for growth. There are four levels of real accountability:
- Honesty
- Motives
- Obedience
- Outfall
For this one, follow this link to a PDF that walks through each level. Four Levels of Real Accountability for Men
Circling back to essential #3 (teachability), this one on accountability goes hand-in-hand. All I know is that when I practice these four levels of accountability with a brother in Christ, I grow as a man. They aren’t always easy times, but the maturity is worth it!
If you take the time to look at accountability for the perspective we promote here at Mentoring Warriors, it will change how you relate to other men, especially to the one you mentor.
Start practicing these five essentials for mentoring. Need help? Reach out to us at info@mentoring-warriors.com.
Warrior On!
David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.
