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Luca and Nora fell in love during college. It was one of those “love at first sight” moments, at least for Luca. Nora, well, it took her a minute, but she quickly came around. By their senior year, they were engaged and planning a wedding.
Talking with Luca, there was nothing about Nora that was negative. She was right for him in every way. Nora felt the same about him. Blissful love.
Both wanted to honor Jesus in their wedding and marriage. They sought godly pre-marital counseling and were intentional about remaining pure before the wedding, although that was probably their greatest challenge. It didn’t take much for Luca to get sexually excited! Nora was dreaming of the day they’d have babies together.
The wedding and honeymoon were glorious. Almost idyllic. Both extended families surrounded them with love and support. This was all too good to be true! Ten years prior, Luca was a pubescent 12-year-old with his crop of pimples. Now, he’s a young man with brawn and a desire to lead a wife and family. Nora went through her own life changes over that prior decade, maturing into a princess-like woman.
Then, it hit! Neither was expecting what happened next. As they settled into their apartment life as newlyweds, Luca would notice little quirks and patterns in Nora that rubbed him the wrong way. At first, he figured it was just a one-off behavior, but when he noticed a pattern, he got a bit short on patience.
“Must you always leave the kitchen in such a mess after supper?”
Nora had her beef with Luca. He constantly left his underwear on the floor. He never cleaned up his beard clippings after shaving. He constantly belched and farted around her; even in bed! Not very romantic!
As time went on, snide comments became more frequent. Sure, they’d put on the masks and smiles at small group and church, but once in the car, it was a different tone.
By the time they got to their first anniversary, their war of words had escalated to the point that Nora asked Luca to sleep on the couch for a few nights. Sex had dwindled to a rare obligatory quickie.
During their first year of marriage, Luca began meeting with John, an older man who provided godly advice for this newlywed husband.
On one occasion, John commented to Luca, “I’ve noticed the few times I’ve seen both you and Nora that you seem to have a chip on your shoulder, in the way you talk to her. What’s going on?”
Luca hung his head, admitting that was the most difficult part of marriage: the constant words of contempt towards each other.
“What happened to our blissful engagement and wedding?” Luca asked.
That led to a longer, deeper conversation where Luca realized there were some long-held pockets of shame in his life that he was projecting onto Nora. Without realizing it, he was letting his boyhood insecurities translate into his failures as a husband. Mad at himself, he’d lash out at Nora.
Nora was doing the same. Her self-imposed pressure to play the part of a happy wife was crashing down on her. She woefully fell short, or so she thought, blaming much of her shortcomings on Luca.
This was a never-ending vicious cycle. One that, frankly, left to fester could ruin their marriage. Sure, they may still be married, but the intimacy both in soul and sex would essentially be non-existent.
In their book “The Deep-Rooted Marriage”, authors Dan Allender and Steve Call talk about the fact in every conversation, every act towards each other in marriage, you are either blessing or cursing your spouse.
They tell a story of Dan coming home after a long business trip to an empty refrigerator. The fact that they were leaving the next day for a week’s vacation meant his wife didn’t want a lot of food in the fridge to go to waste. His contemptuous demeanor towards her stemmed from growing up in a home where food was scarce. An empty fridge resurrected wounds and fear in him. He was, in essence, vomiting on his wife with words that cursed her, not blessed.
In Ephesians 4, we read something wise for any relationship.
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
That passage goes on to say that we should not “grieve the Holy Spirit.”
Luca realized, through his talks with John, that the shame he brought into his marriage was hurting Nora, not building her up. He saw his need to bring those wounds to Jesus, inviting him to bring healing and hope. To nip the shameful talk in the bud, and to give him words that speak life into her.
It took a while for things to change, but as Luca would pause anytime he felt irritated at something Nora did or said, giving that point of contention to Him, his reactions to her shifted.
No longer was he quick to speak words of cursing over her. In asking Jesus to help him see her heart, he spoke words of blessing over her.
Instead of reacting with…
“What were you thinking? Peas in tomato soup? Seriously, woman!”
Luca now responded with…
“Love that was an adventurous meal! I had never thought to mix peas with tomato soup, but it made for a colorful plate and palate!
Nora picked up on the change in Luca. Instead of saying things like…
“You slob! Dirty underwear on the floor and beard clippings in the sink. This is not a fraternity!”
She now responded with…
“Oh the reminder I am married to a wonderful man who likes to drop his shorts in our bedroom and be buck naked for me to see his amazing gear! And those beard clippings that remind me you aren’t a boy anymore!”
It didn’t take long for Luca to get the message. The underwear amazingly found their way to the dirty clothes hamper, and his shave clippings were magically cleaned up each time he used the razor.
Over the next several months, you could see both Luca and Nora shifting their attitudes towards each other. Words of blessing began to outpace words of cursing.
As Allender and Call say, you are either blessing or cursing your spouse; there is no neutrality.
What are you speaking to your spouse? If single, what are you saying to your closest friends?
Bring your words of contempt to Jesus. Let him heal, and you will see a transformation in your relationships.
Warrior On!
David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.
