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MW Editor’s Note: Through the astute insights of authors Dan Allender, PhD, and Steve Call, PhD, in their book, “The Deep-Rooted Marriage”, they outline four key factors in what tears a marriage apart and six change agents that the Lord can use to turn things around. This is a two-part series on those findings. This post is about six change agents that work! Be sure to check out the post on Four Marriage Killers.
“If you are willing to address the past, you will be far more equipped to deal with the present.” Allender and Call.
One of the key issues my wife and I bring up during our pre-marital counseling with young couples is the baggage they bring into the marriage. Perhaps he has a porn addiction, she a spending addiction. Often, the baggage is merely a symptom of a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.
“But, I don’t want to go there!” we will hear from the couple, as their eyes look at the floor. Shame, Brokenness. The truth is, we each have it in one form or another.
Recently, I was with a young couple. Delightful, energetic, loving Jesus. He has energy to burn. Always a smile! What I noticed was that as soon as one thing was out of order, or not in his control, he made a quick snap. “Not that! Not now!” It was said so fast no one particularly noticed it, unless you were new to him. I wasn’t familiar with his patterns and behavior.
Not looking for a scorpion under every quip or snarky comment, the question still begs to be asked. What childhood “trauma” occurred that an adult would act like that towards those he or she loves?
In our last post entitled “Four Marriage Killers”, we looked at four characteristics that a marriage needs help with. In this post, we will look at six change agents that indicate the relationship is moving in a healthy direction. These six change qualities stem from a deeper understanding of one’s brokenness, the redemption Christ offers through the cross, and a willingness to walk by the Holy Spirit.
Dan Allender and Steve Call joined forces to pen an excellent read entitled The Deep-Rooted Marriage. Here’s an overview of the six change agents they have seen in thousands of couples’ counseling sessions.
1. “Humility. The ability to be attuned and aware of what is happening in myself and the other; to disrupt the triggering of trauma, past and present.”
How many times have I been so focused on my shortcomings that I fail to be present with Sandy? Having a handle on where I’m at emotionally and where she is at helps. We are not perfect, but knowing that we can trust Jesus in the process gives us the humility to work through issues together.
2. “Honesty: the resolve to own what is mine and to engage without blaming the other for what I feel, to address the ‘log in my own eye’ first. Matthew 7:3-5.”
You can’t be honest if you are not humble. Healing comes when I bring my issues to Jesus for his Psalm 139:23-24 soul searching before I blame Sandy for the problems at hand.
3. “Kindness: a fierce commitment to enter the heartache and fear of the other with compassion and care.”
I realize we are talking about marriages here, but I correlate the way Allender and Call define kindness with a heart for mentoring. Jesus shows us fierce kindness by walking towards us in our brokenness. He approaches out of compassion, not punishment. So it should be in marriage.
4. “Curiosity: the intentional entering into the story and experience of the other, which will develop a desire to know and understand what the other feels, desires, and fears.”
Nothing shows more love and compassion than asking, “Tell me more of your story.” To value your spouse’s story in ways that unpack her heart. She walks away from the conversation feeling understood and loved.
5. “Defiance: a refusal to let hurt, anger, and past failure to determine the future of what we are able to create together; a stance of “hell, no” to death in all its forms (whatever hardens us and keeps us from having a life of connection between us.)”
One of the phrases in Sandy’s marriage vows is “I will fight the battles of life with you.” Not against you, not for you, but with you. Are you that determined that NOTHING will bring death to your marriage, come hell or high water?
6. “Intention to bless: holding the other in and with wonder and awe, delight and gratitude; a stance of ‘heaven, yes’ to the beauty we can create together.”
Wonder, awe, delight, and gratitude. How often do you express those to your spouse?
Here’s a list of times and places to express such:
- Waking up
- Going to bed
- Having sex (definitely when having sex!)
- On a trip
- Sitting in front of the fireplace
- Having a baby!
- A home-cooked meal
- You’re firing up the grill
- Camping in the woods
- Watching your spouse read a book to your toddler
- Reading the Bible together
- Praying together
The list is endless.
Six change agents that Dan Allender and Steve Call offer in their book “The Deep-Rooted Marriage”.
In and by the power and presence of Christ in you, you can bring these change agents into your marriage. Bring them into your points of pain, past and present, and watch the four marriage killers we talked about in the previous post begin to dissipate.
Warrior On!
If you need some help working through these change agents, reach out to a mentor. If you are married, perhaps you can invite an older married couple to coffee and talk through the ways your marriage can flourish.
David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.
