Four Marriage Killers-Part 1

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MW Editor’s Note: Through the astute insights of authors Dan Allender, PhD, and Steve Call, PhD, in their book, “The Deep-Rooted Marriage”, they outline four key factors in what tears a marriage apart and six change agents that the Lord can use to turn things around. This is a two-part series on those findings. This post is about four marriage killers.  Next week, it’s about six change agents that work!

When a couple meets, falls in love, and marries, the euphoria can seem almost otherworldly. There are chemicals in the couple’s bodies that fuel the ecstasy and delight.  Usually, after the couple has settled into their apartment or home and established a work-life routine, reality sets in. Disagreements emerge, sometimes over small things, but symptoms of what are often unresolved childhood ways of operating that are now coming to light in marriage. 

The honeymoon is over.

In their book “The Deep-Rooted Marriage”, authors Allender and Call masterfully outline four signs a marriage is experiencing “disconnection and distress”. 

Lack of Delight

Where once there was delight in each other, now there are snide remarks about dirty underwear left on the floor or burnt dinners that need to be tossed. Coming home from work is met with a non-eye contact grunt, if not silence.  Routines are just that: boring and lifeless.  Sure, you may attend church together, even a couples’ small group, but the life of what was to be a great marriage is gone.

The antidote, Allender and Call note, is gratitude.  “Delight is far more than mere happiness, optimism, or possibility. It comes from gratitude founded in a sense of wonder.”

One way to increase delight is a simple exercise of expressing a different aspect of the other person you are grateful for, each day of your marriage. 

Loneliness

A newlywed husband got a job that took him away to a construction site several states away for two weeks at a time. This went on for two years. Despite the lucrative pay, the young couple barely saw each other. Loneliness set in. 

Another couple experienced loneliness differently. Despite being home for supper every night and home on weekends, they rarely looked at each other. He was engrossed with his phone all the time. 

Allender and Call say that “We are created to know and be known. You are known when someone becomes attuned to the inner workings of your heart (your emotions, thoughts, desires, struggles) and learned to read your face, body, words, and tone…Presence communicates, “I choose you.”

There are a lot of good things in life, in marriage, but nothing surpasses engaging in full-on presence.  This is what Jesus does with us, and it’s what he knows will counter the heart loneliness we sometimes fall into in marriage.

Contempt

“What is wrong with you?”  “Can’t you do anything right?” “Why must you always do that in front of me?” “You are an embarrassment.”

Ouch!

Contempt centers on “one of our greatest fears… to be shamed and humiliated…” We belittle as a way to control the behavior of our spouse. 

In most cases of divorce, there are contemptuous words for each other. Lack of delight and loneliness have led to contempt. We hover in our corners with nothing ever changing. One person leans towards blaming the other, while the other accepts the fault.

This brings Ephesians 4:29 to mind:

 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

What can I say to my wife that shows I am present, that I delight in her, and extend grace to the situation she’s in?

Feeling Stuck

How would you like to be, say, five, ten, even fifteen years into marriage, only to quietly admit you’re stuck. Your marriage may be going through the motions, putting on a mask that all is well, when in reality, your love died years ago?  Yep, this happens to many “Christian couples”. Sad. 

Allender and Call say this:  “We avoid the heartache and create a parallel life where we can find moments of relief. This outside focus-whether it is a job, a hobby, a degree program, an affair, pornography, or one’s children- can become a consuming idol.”

The truth is, this other world we create is a way to distance ourselves from the pain. 

Deep down, the way we were wounded growing up plays into how we handle marriage. When these four signs start showing up, it DOES NOT mean your marriage is over. They are indicators that, despite your best intentions and hope for your marriage, regardless of how many years you’ve been together, it’s time to ask for help. This is where a mentoring couple can walk with you through this season of pain that can lead to healing.

Marriages that conquer the four killers go on to be a testimony of the grace of God. 

There is hope, and it all begins with inviting Jesus into your past, so that your present can be healed.

Warrior On!

Check out The Deep-Rooted Marriage