Three Qualities of a Great Lover!

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MW Editor’s Note. This post is part of a series that dives deeper into masculine sexuality. Several thoughts come from Sam Jolman’s book, The Sex Talk You Never Got. Warning: without being crass, we will be direct regarding this crucial topic. Reader discretion is advised.

Be sure to look up the other posts in this series. Key Word; Sam Jolman

Often, we guys think a great lover has to do with brawn, fit bodies, and lots of testosterone, not to mention rock-hard erections. Biologically, your body is involved with great sex, but becoming a great lover has more to do with your heart than your body.

You were created to be a lover.  God wired you while you were still in the womb to be a passionate pursuer of life and love. For a man to be a great lover of a woman, he must engage in a love relationship with God, our Father. The key to a woman’s heart is falling in love with God first. 

In James 4:5, we read something phenomenal. 

Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?

The Message paraphrase says it this way.

And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “he’s a fiercely jealous lover.” And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find.

God is a fiercely jealous lover.  I like that!  That is what he’s placed in each of us.  The challenge is that we love other things more than we love him. Sports, the outdoors, racing, money, fame, prestige. Ours is often a diverted love.

When it comes to women, we say we “love” them, but perhaps it’s more of self-love, all about them loving us, stroking our ego.

In his book “The Sex Talk You Never Got”, author Sam Jolman outlines three qualities of a great lover.

To begin with, you are in a much larger story than you realize.  Life is more than the current moment you are experiencing. More than what happened yesterday or what will come about tomorrow. God is writing something of epic proportions that spans the Universe. He’s bringing about the reconciliation of all things through His Son Jesus. He wants you and me to be a part of the Gospel redemption. His love compels him to pursue us, and he wants us to reflect His life through us by becoming passionate lovers like he is.

Three Qualities of a Great Lover.

You’ve been waiting for this since you saw the title of this post.

1. Beauty.  You were created for beauty. In our last post, we talked about Adam seeing creation for the first time: birds, fish, and animals of all kinds. Trees, terrain, sunrises and sunsets, amazing waterfalls. Everything God made was good, and Adam knew it.  When he saw Eve for the first time, he was enthralled with her! Every curve on her body captured his heart!  

Beauty engages the senses. Your eyes see light in all its exquisite colors and hues. Your nose smells freshly brewed coffee. Your ears hear birds chirping overhead. Your fingers feel the furr of a dog sitting on your lap.

Beyond the senses, you also experience beauty in the presence of God. Sitting quietly, listening for him to speak to your spirit. 

The other day, my wife and I were at an extended family gathering. As we stood there talking with our nephew and his new bride, I glanced at my bride of over 35 years. The beauty of her face and short, petite frame captured something in my heart that started to bring tears. To me, she was the most beautiful woman there!  Later, on our way home, I told her that.

Beauty.  To be a great lover, see the beauty of God, of creation, of the woman you long for. Even if you aren’t dating, or have found each other, or have been married for years, you will never stop discovering fresh new ways of seeing beauty. 

With that, look in the mirror and see the beauty (handsomeness) of your own body. Sure, you may have pounds to shed, like I do, or are in desperate need of a haircut, but hey, even with the longer locks and the unshaven face, you are a beautiful (handsome) man!

2. Awe.  There are some things that I see and experience that put me in a state of awe.  I am awestruck at a Kansas sunset. Staring at the rushing water over Niagara Falls mesmerizes me. I was awestruck when I hiked to the top of Grossvenediger in Austria, standing on a three-foot-wide ledge of snow next to a 4,000-foot drop. 

Being a great lover brings awe into your marriage. Sexual intimacy is an awesome experience!  Skin on skin, bodies joined as one. Orgasms that express an aspect of your humanness with a person you are passionately pursuing.  Contrast that with the current hook-up culture, where there is no awe, only functional sex. In and out and on your way. One man caught up in that culture couldn’t remember a single name of the 30-plus women he hit on. That is not awe.

Holding your wife in a covenant of trust and tenderness. Seeing the light glisten on her naked body as she climaxes. Guys, this is awe in real time!  Be awestruck with your wife.

3. Gratitude. The third quality of a great lover is gratitude. Thankfulness. If you see beauty in life, if you can be awestruck but not be grateful, you have missed the entire meaning of love. A man who sees life in the context of his relationship with Jesus will become increasingly grateful.  Thankful for the big things of life as well as the small, seemingly insignificant signs of grace. 

Comparison kills gratitude.  “Why can’t you be like Zach’s wife?”  Ask that and you will kill any opportunity for making love. 

Sandy and I were introduced by a matchmaker back when we were in our twenties. It took a while (four years) before we were married, but even during those years of patiently waiting, trusting God for his timing, even when Sandy broke up and we had twenty months of silence; no communication whatsoever, I was still grateful for her. Still grateful for the woman she was and is becoming.

Guys, God is in hot pursuit of your soul.  He wants you. He longs for an ever-deepening relationship with you. Out of the richness of your walk with him, grow in seeing beauty, awe, and gratitude.  Those three will NOT guarantee a carefree life, but they will capture a woman’s heart. She wants to be wooed by you. To see her beauty, to be awestruck over her, and to be ever so thankful for the gift she is.  

This is how to be a great lover!

Warrior On!