Porn is Not the Problem

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MW Editor’s Note. This post is part of a series that dives deeper into masculine sexuality. Several thoughts come from Sam Jolman’s book, The Sex Talk You Never Got. Warning: without being crass, we will be direct regarding this crucial topic. Reader discretion is advised.

Be sure to look up the other posts in this series. Key Word; Sam Jolman

For as many times as you’ve been exposed to porn; whether by your own volition or someone pushing your face into it, porn and its outcomes are behaviors; symptoms of a deeper issue.  Author Sam Jolman refers to porn being an indicator of “emotional dysregulation and anxiety”.  

I had to look up the meaning of emotional dysregulation. “The inability to manage and control one’s emotions in a healthy and adaptive manner.”

The real trigger behind porn is finding relief of the internal pressure of the soul. 

Your work is stressful. You come home exhausted. Your muscles tense. Deep inside you feel a lacking. Someone yelled at you, degrading you repeatedly. You walked away feeling about the size of an ant.

Your plate is full; too full.  The internal self-imposed pressure FOMO (fear of missing out) eats at you; to the point you pile so much on your to do list, it soon becomes a house of cards.  You implode and next thing you know you gave into porn again. Now, shame is the heavy load on your back. 

A young man (Mason) is a great teacher. The students love him. As with most teaching jobs, there’s always a rogue parent or two with whom he can never please. It doesn’t matter. Parent-teacher conferences bring it out. Parents put him down. He feels unappreciated. Discouraged. Bullied.

For all his good disciplines in place, including locking his laptop up in his car overnight, he still finds a way to “justify” bringing it into the house and watching porn until he masturbates. The release brings a chance to breathe for the moment, but like a tsunami, the next wave of shame comes in larger and more fierce than ever!

“What’s behind the pressure to give in?” I asked. 

This self-aware man, who has a relationship with Jesus, realized the conflict in his soul isn’t with the rogue, discontented parents. It goes back to when he was middle school age, being bullied by classmates. Those verbal and physical abuses told his heart he was sorely lacking in all aspects of his emerging manhood.

He didn’t have what it takes, or so he concluded.

Yes, there is a deep spiritual battle going on every time you look at porn. By the time you click, looking for sexual arousal, the wound in your heart has progressed a long way. Giving in, however, is not inevitable at that point. Even if you have a rock-hard erection, there is a way to escape. 

We are promised in Scripture that God ALWAYS provides a way of escape:

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Every pressure in your body that wants the pain of whatever happened to you to go away can find its true release, true healing in Christ.  The very temptation you feel is inevitable, God has provided a way out. You don’t have to give in. 

Several years ago, as I was driving back from the YMCA. the Lord spoke to my spirit and asked me to pray for a certain young man, “right now’. I had no idea what was going on with him,. We hadn’t spoken in several days, not texted.  I prayed out loud in the car. 

 “Lord, whatever is going on with this young man, I ask you meet him, right now. If it’s stress or discouragement, show up. Intervene, Jesus.”

Pulling into the garage, I texted him.

“Hey, not sure what’s up right now, but the Lord asked me to pray for you. Let me know if you need anything.”

About ten minutes later, after I got out of the shower, he texted me back.

“Whoa! This is almost scary!  I had been feeling stressed about some things. Just when you texted me, I was getting ready to look at porn and masturbate to find relief.  But, something in my spirit told me to stop.  I did!  Thanks for listening to God!”

Later, when we met up, we had a conversation about his porn addiction. It all boiled down to him having an inadequate view of himself. He believed lies about God, himself, and others. 

In biblical counseling, three layers help unpack the real reasons we look at porn. Think of a triangle divided in thirds, horizontally.

The bottom two layers are trapezoids. The top is a triangle. 

The bottom trapezoid represents our view of God, self, and others. In essence, our theology and worldview. The key is to read the triangle from the bottom up.

Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Bottom Trapezoid

• Do you see God rightly?  Is your view of him too small, puny, distant? Or, is he holy and glorious, kind and compassionate?
• How do you see others?  Are you surrounded by supportive friends and family or do you feel as if no one truly cares about you?  Is there someone you can be courageously vulnerable with?
• How do you see yourself? Do you see yourself always coming up short or are you comfortable with where you are in life knowing that there is always room for growth and maturity?

The middle layer, (second trapezoid) represents your values, your way of thinking, 

• In other words, given how I see God, self, and others, how am I addressing the challenges in life?  
• What is a healthy way to handle stressors?
• Do I see God present in my pain?
• How should I approach the inner wounds that want me to find relief through porn?
• Is there a better way?
• Have I brought this inner wound to Jesus?  
• Who can I reach out to who will love me without conditions as I work through my “stuff”?

That leads to the triangle on top. This is represents our actions. Behaviors. What we say, and how we act.

• How are my actions reflecting my heart?
• Do I sense the nearness of Jesus in my challenges, such that I say and act in ways that reflect his heart?
• Instead of porn to manage my emotions, how can I bring them to Jesus, so that my actions reflect him?

Wrapping this up, let me share a personal story. As a teenager, I had little healthy influence on how to manage stress and emotions. I didn’t throw teenage tantrums, rather, I internalized my stress taking it out on my body through extremely lustful thinking and masturbation. I was addicted. I knew no other way to handle my emerging manhood. 

The shift happened when I saw God with increasing clarity. His opinion of me trumped my own self-defeating, degrading heart. What I’ve come to see is the split-second I feel my heart stressing, I pause, take a long deep breath and invite Jesus into my moment.

Recently, I came home from the office with a level of stress that in years past would have led me to M. Pleasantly, this time it didn’t. I was courageously vulnerable with someone I deeply trusted. I invited Jesus to meet me in my pain, and he did. I felt the healthy discconnect between handling stress through destructive ways with my body, to thanking God for the opportunity to experience him in my trouble.

It worked!

Want to ditch the porn habit?  Invite Jesus into the deepest parts of your soul while in community with iron sharpens brothers. 

Warrior On!

MW Note:  If you need to have a conversation about handling stress and cutting off the porn route, email us at info@mentoring-warriors.com