Heart and Loins

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MW Editor’s Note. Of the hundreds of posts on Mentoring Warriors’ website, sexuality is the most searched topic. Wonder why? Perhaps it speaks to the heart and nature of how God has wired us as men. This post is part of a series that dives deeper into masculine sexuality. Several thoughts come from Sam Jolman’s book, The Sex Talk You Never Got. Warning: without being crass, we will be direct regarding this crucial topic. Reader discretion is advised.

Contrary to the way you may have been told, sex is not sinful. Sex is not dirty, nor is it to be hidden and shameful. From the beginning, God created us male and female, and sexuality is at the core of our identities.  

So God created man in his own image,

    in the image of God he created him;

    male and female he created them. 

Genesis 1:27

Two genders were God’s idea. We see that pattern in the animals he made on Days five and six of creation. Every animal of the sea, land, and air has its counterpart.  He intended to follow the same pattern in creating mankind; male and female.

When God created Adam from the dust of the earth, He made him with a penis. That played into why Adam realized something, or someone, was missing for him after naming all the animals. 

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I 

will make him a helper fit for him. Genesis 2:18

Here’s the account of what happened, 

But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.  Genesis 2:20b-22

When Adam saw Eve, he knew immediately they were fitted for each other!

Then the man said,

“This at last is bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
    because she was taken out of Man.

Genesis 2:23

The first time I saw my wife on our honeymoon, all of my senses were awakened in ways I had never experienced before!  Like Adam, I knew we were made for each other! We fit together perfectly!

I say that in a physical and sexual sense, but I also say it in a deeply spiritual and loving sense. 

In his book The Sex Talk You Never Got, author Sam Jolman talks about sin hijacking the true beauty and awe of being naked and unashamed.  He speaks of the innocence that can be restored despite sin’s havoc on our bodies and souls.

Imagine, in the most innocent and purest form, Adam and Eve exploring each other’s bodies for the first time. Their hands touching each other, caressing each other’s faces, Adam running his fingers through her hair, holding her breasts. She closes her eyes as she feels tenderness. Adam experiencing his first erection. Who told them what to do next? Caught up in the beauty and awe of each other, sexual intercourse naturally followed. 

The Garden of Eden was their home. Did Adam build a home to make love in? Perhaps their love rendezvous was under a large canopy of shade, nestled in some soft brush. 

Adam and Eve experienced the wonderful connection of their heart and their loins. It was intimate, almost surreal. This was love in the deepest of human experiences.

On this side of the Fall (sin), we skew arousal to be synonymous with lust. They are not the same. Arousal is a body’s response to sexual stimuli. Lust has to do with desire. Lust is sexual desire gone wrong. 

Sexual desire is what Adam and Eve experienced before they sinned. He saw Eve, and his heart was attracted to her sexually. He wanted her, in the purest, most innocent meaning of the word desire. As a man, sexual desire for the woman you are married to is good and right. Doing things to arouse your bodies sexually is good. 

Wives should want their husbands to be sexually aroused around them. Do things to turn him on!  Guys, erections in your wife’s presence are celebrated by God. 

Husbands, in a similar fashion, do things to arouse your wife. Get her wet! Speak tender, endearing words over her. Focus on her heart, not just her body. You might be ready for action, but she needs you to hold her, caress her, practicing patience as she prepares to invite you in. 

If your body is aroused sexually by your wife, that is an awesome thing!  Sexual desire done right always focuses on pleasing each other, not getting pleasure for yourself. 

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 is a classic passage on giving each other your “conjugal rights”.  Meaning, sexually coming together for the pleasure of each other. Contrasted is the couple who can’t remember the last time they had sex. If they remember, they are reluctant to admit it was all about getting a dopamine hit. Plug and play.

In our various Mentoring Warriors training sessions, we often cover the topic of sexuality and how to express love in the marriage bed. Sure, there are practical reminders: shave and shower, brush your teeth, clip all 20 nails. Set the mood with low lighting, candles, and your favorite romantic playlist. Forget the tattered boxers and put on something a bit more revealing.  Believe me, even if women are not turned on as much by looks as guys are, dressing for a romantic rendezvous helps!

There is one other aspect to capturing your wife’s heart that plays right into Scripture’s meta-narrative on sexuality. Frequently, in the Bible, there will be phrases such as “…and he knew her as his wife….”  The knowing referred to is an intimate knowing both on a soul and sexual nature. The couple had intercourse. 

The biology of sexual intercourse includes an orgasm. The body is aroused sexually and will come to a climax as part of the release. This is God-ordained and is to be celebrated in marriage. When you think about the encounter of a man and wife in the marriage bed, the wonderful part is that the husband gets to see an aspect of his wife’s womanhood expressed sexually that no other person on the planet is privileged or has the conjugal rights to experience.

Husbands, you get to experience a precious moment with your wife that only the two of you can share. This is by far one of the richest bonds in sexuality that God smiles upon. 

Arousal is not a sin. Sexual desire that pursues beauty and awe in marriage is what your heart and loins long for.

Warrior On!