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MW Editor’s note. At the core of healthy mentoring is understanding how trust needs to move from superficial to deeper levels. Each of us ultimately thrives as we are heard, understood and loved. In this four-part series, we will explore the four key levels of relationships. These posts are excerpts from David Riffel’s book, Mentoring Warriors. Pick up a copy at Mentoring Warriors Book
Vulnerability
This is a true test of mentoring. Vulnerability is taking the risk of being hurt out of love. Let me explain.
A classic verse that speaks to mentoring is Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” If I take two knives and rub them together, they create friction. Heat. Things get uncomfortable. No one likes to be under the knife, but the pain of a brother’s critique of you will pay off if you have built a relationship of authenticity and trust.
One time a good friend I met with pointed out how he saw me treat my wife in public. “It was not cool dude.” He warned me. Frankly, I was mad. He was right, but to be confronted ruffled my pride.
I realized I could push back deflecting the accusation, or I could accept it and learn from it. I’m grateful that humility won out.
Vulnerability means taking deeper risks in relationships and reaping the rewards. On a spiritual parallel, when you are vulnerable with God (who knows everything about you anyway), your faith relationship with him grows deeper and richer as well.
If you have ever been hospitalized, you know how drafty those hospital gowns can be. When I had my quadruple heart bypass surgery, they put me in a yellow gown; yellow for fall risk. My backside was constantly drifting open for all to see!
After a while, I decided there was no point. I’m sure I mooned some unknown strangers, but in the end, no big deal. Mentoring is about wearing hospital gowns. We each have our struggles and exposing them is part of the healing process.
During one of our Mentoring Warrior Boot Camps, where we train me on how to mentor, a warrior made an astute observation:
“Vulnerability is the scariest thing a man can do. It’s also the most courageous thing a man can do.” Mike Proctor
Mike’s right. Why would I want to be vulnerable to anyone? Why would I want you to see my failures, my brokenness, my junk? Who wants to be devastated by rejection from you when I dump my load?
There’s a passage in Hebrews 4 that hits home on vulnerability.
12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 13 And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
The very things you are scared-spitless that anyone would know, God already does. Newsflash! He loves you regardless. You are naked before God.
What’s amazing is the ensuing verses:
14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Jesus has been exposed to every temptation as you and I are, and yet without sin. He’s seen it all and yet his love remains solid for you. This is the epitome of the Gospel.
In your “hundreds” of friends, you’ll have many at the superficial level. They will always be there. You’ll have fewer friends at the authentic level; which is a good sign. Good, solid friends you can drop the masks with.
When it comes to transparent relationships, you’ll have even fewer, which again, is a good thing. When it comes to vulnerability, you only need a few close brothers. These are the ones you can be spiritually naked with. It will take tons of courage to be deep with them, but if you want to have lived this life to its fullest, you need to live a vulnerable life.
This week, find one brother you trust or your mentor and set aside a good block of time. Open up about a deeper issue in life you are wrestling through. Be courageously vulnerable. In the spirit of Hebrews 4:12-16, bring Jesus into your conversation and begin to experience what true spiritual healing looks like.
Warrior On!
If you need help understanding these four levels of relationships, reach out to us at info@mentoring-warriors.com
David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.
