Four Levels of Real Relationships-Part 3-Transparent

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MW Editor’s note. At the core of healthy mentoring is understanding how trust needs to move from superficial to deeper levels. Each of us ultimately thrives as we are heard, understood and loved. In this four-part series, we will explore the four key levels of relationships. These posts are excerpts from David Riffel’s book, Mentoring Warriors. Pick up a copy at Mentoring Warriors Book

Transparency

Windshields are transparent so you can see where you are going clearly.  Rain and snow obstruct that view and unless you use wipers, you put yourself and others into dangerous situations. 

Transparency is a cousin to authenticity.  If authenticity is more of an attitude of trust, transparency is like the window into my soul that reveals the crux of what I am wrestling with.  Modeling transparency means, as a mentor you must be willing to lift your veil first.  A way to prime the pump perse in helping those who you mentor see the value of being exposed.  

Unconditional love and acceptance are part and parcel of true transparency.  The real question that must be answered by those who you mentor is “Will he still accept me if I tell him my struggle?”  If authenticity is in place, transparency will happen sooner or later.  

Here’s an example.  Matt had a long-held struggle with same-sex attraction.  He told no one.  His fear of even admitting such to others or to himself so gripped him that he wrestled with suicidal thoughts.  As he got to know Blake through church, the two seemed to strike up a friendship not like any other Matt had experienced.  

Although Matt had never acted on his attraction to other men, there was something different about his friendship with Blake.  He felt safe around him.  Blake was several years older and seemed to have an uncanny ability to be real.  Authentic.  Blake shared his struggles with life, including his seeming inability to find a girl he wanted to date.  

The two guys met regularly for Bible study.  They talked about a host of things ranging from favorite teams to what it means to be a man.  Then, one day, Matt finally opened up.  He told Blake about his same-sex attraction struggle.  

“The thing about it, Blake, is you have been so accepting of me, and I’ve never told you about my struggle.”  

Blake’s response was not what Matt expected.  “I knew from the day we first met that you struggled with this. Although I don’t share a mutual attraction to you, I still accept you as a friend and frankly a fellow believer.”  

With tears, Matt opened up even more.  “Truth of it is, Blake, I have felt this way since my teens and I just don’t know what to do with it.  I’m scared.  Is this really who God made me?  Or is it just my self-focus that is getting me into such turmoil?”  All honesty here, if Blake had not been authentic and transparent, Matt may never had opened up about the biggest struggle of his life.  

Same-sex attraction is a major issue that some churches totally ignore.  It’s a complicated issue and should not be oversimplified.  The point I’m trying to make here about transparency is when we mentor in a way that aligns with Gospel values, doors open to deal with such complex issues like same-sex attraction in a redemptive way, as opposed to condemnation and damnation.

Before you sign-off thinking you want nothing to do with the transparent level of relationships, because it could enter territory you are are uncomfortable with, let me challenge you to consider a few things:

1. As Dan Allender once said, “Most men live an unexamined life.”  The saddest commentary on your life is you lived a shallow life. No one really knew you and you never took the time to know others in a deeper way. Shallow living is very costly.
2. Having said that, living a deeper, authentic and transparent live is even costlier, But, there is a reward that comes with such risk.  When you open up to God, He draws near to you, through His Son, Jesus. You experience a depth to your life that would otherwise have been lost. In that, you become a person of depth that others are attracted to. 
3. Authenticity is costly, but it is worth it. You will become a maturing, well-rounded man if you choose to be authentic.

This week, grab coffee with a friend. Open up in an authentic way about an issue the two of you may not have talked about before. Yes, you’ll be nervous. Yes, you’ll wonder what they’ll think of you.  Even if they turn a cold shoulder to you, you will be a stronger, more authentic man then they may ever be.  If they listen and lean into your story with mutual authenticity, you’ve gained a brother to walk through life with.

Next week we will look at the fourth level of relationships: vulnerability.

Warrior On!