Four Levels of Real Relationships-Part 2-Authentic

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MW Editor’s note. At the core of healthy mentoring is understanding how trust needs to move from superficial to deeper levels. Each of us ultimately thrives as we are heard, understood, and loved. In this four-part series, we will explore the four key levels of relationships. These posts are excerpts from David Riffel’s book, Mentoring Warriors. Pick up a copy at Mentoring Warriors Book

Authentic

Just be real.  Wear no masks.  Masks are what we wear around people when we don’t want them to see our true self.  Again, without the phatic conversations we mentioned last week, we will have a hard time becoming authentic and transparent with others.  

Sometimes, how quickly a person is authentic with you depends on their personality.  Connor was like a steel trap when I first got to know him.  Nice guy. Smart, but short responses.  No willingness to lift the veil.  Yet, all the while, I knew there was something he was hiding.  Something he was struggling with, that he kept to himself.  Sometimes you get a sense that way.  His melancholy-phlegmatic disposition, like mine, tends to be guarded in opening up too much to others.  Trust has to be there first.  

So, we took it slow.  Grabbing a bite to eat.  Me attending his basketball games.  Just doing things to foster more phatic conversations.  Then, slowly, he opened up and the veil began to lift. “Did I tell you about my struggle with porn?”  No, but I figured as much based on his actions.  It really was not a surprise to me.  But, the ice was broken and now we could start to deal with deeper things. I was real with him as well. Although my struggle with porn has been minimal, I am a man with hormones and know the temptation to lust.  

On a side note, pornography isn’t the real issue.  It’s a symptom of deeper ones. For whatever reason, guys will turn to pornography as a way to medicate a wound in their souls.  Like other guys, Connor’s anxiety increased when he was alone, and searching for porn seemed to soothe his jitters.  The problem was it also created other more complicated issues.  

For some guys, acting out those lustful desires beyond sexual self-gratification leads them into sex outside of marriage with girls they hardly know, if at all.  One young man who experienced a faith transformation told me that before coming to Christ, he had been so caught up with porn, he had sex with more women than he could remember.  He lost his virginity in the back of a school bus while on a track meet.

Being authentic means I intentionally create healthy trusting boundaries with people who I know have my back.  Obviously, you don’t tell just anyone your deepest dark secrets, but you do with a mentor you trust. In mentoring, modeling authenticity helps the warrior open up.  This is probably why many of the guys I mentor say I am relatable.  They don’t have me on a pedestal.  I’m a real guy with brokenness much like them.  And, it’s OK to open up about it, if you want to change.  Some of the guys I meet with are sick and tired of life going nowhere. It could be a sin-confess cycle they are trapped in, or a dead-end job they need out of.   Knowing that you can be yourself helps mentoring to be increasingly authentic.

In my experiences with many of these warriors, invariably, two issues come up frequently; piercings and tattoos.  “What do you think, Mr. Riffel?”  My general stance regarding self-discovery is if the particular expression is not life-altering, then there isn’t much harm in trying it.  Some guys grow out their hair so they can have a man-bun.  Others delve into seeing how much facial hair they can grow.  Helping them think through these issues with a sense of maturity usually leads me to walk through some principles I found in Romans 14 of the Bible.  I won’t go into all the details of Romans 14 here, but this chapter of the Bible deals with opinions and preferences; those things in life that the Bible is either silent on, or has left up to us to choose.  There are three basic questions that one must answer as they process things like piercings and tattoos.  

Is God okay with it?  

Am I ok with it (am I acting out of faith or rebellion)?  

Will this help or hinder others in their pursuit of God?  

As part of the authentic move, I encourage them to try temporary tattoos or magnetic earrings.  Sometimes, when we meet, they have them on.  We talk about it as they process choices. In most cases, these guys decide it’s more of a passing fad than a lifestyle choice they want to keep.  In one or two cases, they go through with it.  Occasionally, I’ll receive text selfies of the guys with either a tattoo or an earring.  “What about this one?”  The cool thing about the entire process is they’ve looked at God’s Word, processed it with an increased level of maturity, and made more informed choices.  Even in their process of deciding, I’ll occasionally join in with their experiment and wear some too.  Authenticity means you don’t wear masks.

If you feel the pressure to perform, to portray a flawless image to someone else, authenticity is your call to break the glass floor and show people who you truly are. If the relationship is worth it, there will be elements of unconditional love shown towards your flaws. You loving them in theirs can become the doorway to deeper relationships.

This week, ask the Lord to show you your masks. Ask him to show you one person with whom you can be authentic. 

Next week, we’ll look at the third level of relationships; transparency.

Warrior On!