Four Levels of Real Relationships-Part 1-Superficial

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MW Editor’s note. At the core of healthy mentoring is understanding how trust needs to move from superficial to deeper levels. Each of us ultimately thrives as we are heard, understood, and loved. In this four-part series, we will explore the four key levels of relationships. These posts are excerpts from David Riffel’s book, Mentoring Warriors. Pick up a copy at Mentoring Warriors Book

Trust

Every healthy relationship has at its core trust.  There is a diagram that I’ve come to appreciate.  It comes from a teaching series called Biblical Soul Care. The diagram works for any relationship, if it wants to be healthy. 

Superficial is Important

Most relationships are superficial.  Don’t take that as a negative. Superficiality can play a vital role in building a relationship of trust. We talk about the weather, sports, and common interests.  None of that is wrong.  In fact, for a relationship to go deeper, as the diagram shows, there must be a reasonable amount of superficial aspects to it.  

You might think that sounds shallow, but here’s what I’ve come to understand.  Those superficial talks build phatic connections in your relationship; small fibers of commonalities help build a network of trust.  James’s family has a mowing business.  Since my heart surgery, by doctor’s orders, I have to limit my yard work.  James’s handy with trimming bushes and doing odd chores around my house. Those phatic connections build trust.  Mike’s brake light went out.  I helped him change it.  That helped build phatic connections. Connor and I spent an afternoon target practicing.  That developed those small fibers necessary for the relationship to go deeper.

Phatic communication, as Blake Muehlhoff explains in his book “I Beg to Differ”, sets up a foundation for those deeper conversations that any meaningful healthy relationship needs to have.  You might be comfortable with phatic conversations, even if you never heard the term before.  

As I write this, I’m in a van traveling to Indianapolis.  The three guys in the row in front of me are watching YouTube videos about everything from golfing to a recent tornado to corny songs.  The conversation has been going on for hours.  Mostly, it seems meaningless.  No real deep-life issues are being dealt with, but I can say that after this 19-hour road trip, those three guys will have built a host of phatic fibers in their relationships.  Connections that will carry them for a time to come.  

This is a good reminder to myself that although life is short and there are deeper issues to deal with than golf videos and corny songs, the time spent engaging in those phatic conversations is worth it.  Don’t get impatient, wanting to press on to the deeper things of life, but don’t only live in the moment of daily chatter either.  

Recently, I flew back from Winnipeg on business.  The gentleman next to me on the plane was a larger guy.  We were waiting to see if some seats would open up.  He wanted to move for more space.  Seats did open up, but he stayed.  Why?  Our superficial conversation captured enough of his attention, that he decided the conversation was of greater value than a seat by himself.  

After about an hour into the flight, of chatting about family, jobs, hobbies, and common interests the conversation moved to deeper issues.  By the time we landed in Wichita, we had the opportunity to talk about his struggles with women and how getting ahead in his career was a never-ending race.  I may never see Chris again, but I can tell you that if we were able to stay connected, those two hours of phatic conversation would have led to deeper talks and an opportunity along the way to share what Christ has done in my life as well. 

Here’s the issue, however, if all you ever do in your relationships is superficial conversations, you will miss out on the deeper issues and rewards of mentoring. Take the time to chatter, but don’t stay there.  Build trust, but let it lead to more life-altering issues.

This week, practice discovering things about those you meet. Ask open-ended questions that discover more about who they are, how they’re wired, and what makes them tick. You will know it went well if there is a glimpse of them feeling heard and understood. 

“Thanks for asking!”

Next week, we’ll dive into the second level of real relationships; authentic.

Warrior On!