Exploring The Soul-Part 1

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MW Editor’s Note:  This is a glimpse into my journal. I’m pursuing parts of me I’ve never articulated; or at least to what I think the depths here will be penned.  There is a bit of fear and trepidation, for what may be discovered about myself may be difficult to face. But, I trust God to do a good work. As you read this, think of what God wants to do in your manhood journey.

I pen this in full view of God, who made me and loves me without condition. 

Psalm 139 has many insights into how God sees me, and any of us. 

1

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

3 

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

4 

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

I can hide nothing from Him. He knows me better than I know myself!

David, the psalmist continues:

5

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

6 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.

I am seen, known, and heard and despite my quirks, pet peeves, and sins, He loves me and is for me. That is extremely humbling, to the point of grateful tears.

Having said all that and anchoring what I write next on those verses in Psalm 139, Psalm 139:23-24 weigh in here, too. 

23

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

    Try me and know my thoughts!

24 

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting.

In all honesty, I’ve prayed those two verses before and all I can say is God took me to task!  He sifted, probed, revealed, and refined me for the next two weeks. I came face to face with some ugly parts of me, and yet, God was faithful to heal and mature me.

All I know is if you pray verses 23 and 24 by faith, God WILL take you up on the offer!  Be ready for some overhaul work!

I’ve reached a point where I need to articulate the inarticulate thoughts swirling in my mind. I seek to uncover any grievous ways within me, recognizing the need for repentance. Simultaneously, I search for the paths that lead toward the everlasting.

I was 7-½ when my sister was born. Upon hearing the news, I recall running to my bedroom and bawling my heart out. My grandma came in, put her hand on my back and said “Now, now, she’s your baby sister.”  To which I cried out “I wanted a baby brother!”

It was a prevailing sentiment over the next few years that I didn’t love my sister (at least that is what some thought). Truth is I loved her. I just wanted a baby brother.

Why this gnawing for a brother? And, at the tender age of seven. Seven-year-old boys are preoccupied with playing, exploring, and getting dirty. I remember playing with my Matchbox cars outside under the swing set. This went on for years. With all the miniature cities I built, not to mention lakes and rivers in the backyard, buildings, and houses, my parents figured I’d grow up to be a civil engineer or an urban planner. They were close. I went on to become an architect.

The thing about growing up the only son is I did a lot of things alone. No other buddy to hang, explore and otherwise grow up with. 

Deep in any boy’s soul is a longing to be seen by another man. I needed that from my dad, but for reasons I didn’t understand at the time he loved me but didn’t know how to raise a son. I was able to figure out why decades later in life.

The natural, God-given desire of a boy to be seen, heard, and validated by his father was missing. At 7-½ my soul already knew that. 

By the time I hit puberty, my entire life was turned upside down. Confusion over my changing body, (that no one took the time to explain to me) growing sexual urges and noticing girls differently got me all mixed up. Girls used to have cooties in 5th and 6th grade. How could one summer make such a difference? Seventh grade opened my eyes to how beautiful they were!

I recall my first wet dream. I thought I had reverted to being a kid and wet my bed. Unfortunately, anxiety got the best of me. My insecurities, lack of courage, and self-confidence needed an outlet. From my teens well into my twenties, I turned to masturbation for release. 

Yes, God was there, I’d go through a binge-purge cycle that lasted about fifteen years. It wired my brain to handle stress in some unhealthy ways by having sex with myself. I was duplicit. My faith was at times a facade. I’d repent, promise God I’d never do it again only to fall back into it a few days to a few weeks later. I was stunting my maturity in more ways than one.

My twenties were lonely. I did many good things, but usually alone. There were many things in my otherwise tender heart that I kept bottled up inside. Back then, I didn’t know anyone who ventured into iron-sharpens-iron, man-to-man vulnerable relationships. But today, I see pockets of men striking deeper territories, forming bands of brothers, and raising a stronger generation. I long to be part of such a move of God.

Maybe that’s part of what God did in me as a result. I have an ache for young men going through their first launch into adulthood alone. Oh to have had an older man come alongside me during those years. But, no one did.

I’ve been mentoring men for around fifteen years. Despite facing common issues, each has a unique personality and their own ways of coping with the challenges and stretching adventures of that decade-plus of life. 

I’ve grown to love them each in Christ. In many respects, some seem like sons to me. 

I see glimpses of me in them. I relate in many ways. I also find things they have mastered which I never did when I was their age. They have become my teachers, being used by God to shape me in my manhood journey.

In the next post, we’ll delve deeper into navigating your manhood and sexuality. The truth is, that how you view gender and sex is deeply intertwined with your relationship with God.

Warrior On!