Silence

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Silence. 

Uncomfortable silence.

Awkward. 

“Someone say something, please! “

My soul numb by the pain. 

What is there to say?  

The loss is greater than expected.

I’m free-falling into an abyss.

The tears dammed up for years begin to flow.

Is this how a man deals with loss?

Where is my courage?

Where is my strength to stand up and trudge forward?

“I am severely afflicted

Give me life, according to your Word.”

Which way is north?

What are my bearings?

Is there anyone who understands my pain?

Why do you all laugh while I sit here in excruciating heartache?

“Get over it.” You say.

Is that how you show compassion?

My life is undone and you tell me to “Get over it.”?

My soul screams are falling on deaf ears.

You who say “Be well” as you shut the door in my face.

Ah, but so is the shallowness of those who exalt image over brokenness.

How strange your masks look.

My dream took me down a wooded path at night. I could hear the laughter and singing in the lodge beyond. The string lights on the veranda illuminated the way. As I approached, the sounds grew louder. My aching soul took a small leap. Is this what I’ve been looking for?  I was cautiously optimistic.

Opening the door, I saw tons of smiling faces. Several looked at me, paused momentarily and then continued their string of frivolity.

There was something odd about their smiles, though. 

They looked plastic. 

Fake.

I bumped into someone and caught a glimpse. It was a mask. Not just him, but everyone had one on. All smiling at me. 

Then I realized, they were the ones telling me to “get over it”.

Fakes. 

All fakes!

I ran out the door with more pain than I had when I entered. 

“No one understands me!”

Another path led away from that lodge, out into the darkness. I stumbled my way down it. The sounds of laughter and song began to fade into the distance. 

The path led to a fork. Which way to go?

A small sign gave two options. One said “Despair”. The other “Love”.

I won’t lie, the pain in me was heavy. I felt despair. Perhaps that path would bring my despair to an end. My life snuffed out. I felt the weight of being 17 again. The darkness of that year, so alone. 

So alone.

In my dream I knew where that path of despair would take me. Perhaps this time for real. Bloody, heart-stopping grief.

For a moment my feet pointed in that direction. I took a step. Then, out of nowhere I heard another sound coming from a different direction. The direction of Love.

My eyes were so filled with tears that I could not see straight. I could not think straight.  I turned and stumbled my way in the direction of Love.

Like the first lodge, the sounds from this second one grew louder the closer I came. There were no festive string lights. All I saw were candles inside barely illuminating the room.

My hand froze as I grabbed the door knob. Do I go in, or do I stay here in my wallow?

Suddenly, a hand gently touched my shoulder.   “Come in my friend.”

His hand moved to my back as we walked in. 

In the dim glow of candles I saw clusters of souls. Some bent over in a posture of prayer. Others sitting on a chair while others gathered around. 

Weeping. Tears. It was obvious. I felt as if I was in a safe place. These people were just like me, but something was different. 

Yes, tears, but I also saw quiet smiles, hugs.  I heard words of affirmation and hope. Love.

In that room was a certain man. My first glance he was bent over, hands on a small boy. To my surprise, the boy looked familiar. It was me! Younger me! I rubbed my eyes.  “This cannot be! I am standing over here. Who is that boy?”

A step closer to be sure. I saw the scar on his knee from that fateful bike accident when I was nine. It was me! It is me!  History past was coming to life. The very pain that launched my wandering was being attended to!

I bent down to see the boy’s face. He was visually comforted. I looked up at the man. It was Jesus!

That’s when I realized, this is the place where my soul is redeemed, healed, made new!

I looked around the room again. The tears, the brokenness, the transparency, the vulnerability. And, the presence of Jesus. He was renewing every soul He touched.

That’s when I awoke from my dream.

The ache I went to sleep with was gone. There was a new sense of wholeness in my soul. 

I am not abandoned. I am not forgotten or ignored. 

I am seen, heard, loved.

And, so my manhood journey turned a corner. My soul began to heal.

Few men live an examined life. Most of us are in that first lodge. Laughter, song that is more of a show than authentic. It was the masks that gave it away.

And so, I live in a place where silence is valued, where tears are captured and unconditional love is experienced in the presence of Jesus.

Real warriors live here.

Warrior On!