Identity Relationships

Sex Essentials

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“Is there really a thing called sex?” a young twenty-something single guy asked me. 

“Look, I know how babies are made and my body has been in raging hormone mode for years, but, to actually find a woman, fall in love, get married, and have sexual intercourse…like is that going to be a reality for me?”

I recall my own twenties when it seemed singleness was my lot in life for the foreseeable future. I’m not inferring that singleness is like the plague, but when the heart longs for a life-enduring relationship, where one is deeply known and deeply loved, one wonders if the stars will ever align. 

“God, are you there? Do you see all the sexual tension that comes along with this season of singleness?”

A host of good books out there will tell you singleness is not a waste of time. God blesses singleness. For some, they find fullness of life as a single adult. In one’s singleness, a host of experiences and opportunities arise that once married will become a thing of the past. I recall taking a shower while on a college internship in Oklahoma. God made it very clear I was to start looking for a wife. I was 21. It took me 9 years to find her, (or God finding us for each other), but those single years gave me opportunities that I’m very grateful for.

So, let’s talk sex. Most guys we talk with at Mentoring Warriors didn’t have a trusted male adult tell them how sex works. They may have come from good Christian homes, but the entire sex discussion was taboo. Off the table. Ignored. Their dads were passive and never had the talk, or better yet, the ongoing conversation about healthy sexuality. All that silence while the guy’s body goes through the unrequested and often confusing season of puberty. Everything from growth spurts to voice changes to pubic and armpit hair to hormones and the infamous wet dream. 

“What is happening to me?” 

Even if you are now in your twenties or thirties and would like to circle back to a conversation you never had, reach out to us at Mentoring Warriors info@mentoring-warriors.com. We’d be happy to talk. No shame, no judgment about your sexual past. Simply a respectful conversation about one of the greatest God-given gifts a man can have!

Beyond biology is the amazing transformation of a young guy into a man women desire. Developing godly character has far more to do with building a healthy view of sexuality than how large your gear is! Insecurity focuses on body features and sizes more than it does on the character of the man who carries that body.

As you grow in your masculinity you will see a significant shift in not only your self-control of sexual urges but in your focused attention and affection for a woman. Less about using her for your sexual and ego purposes and more about serving her in a nurturing and cherishing way.

Let’s talk porn. If statistics are correct, whether you follow Jesus or not, the going rate for guys looking at porn is nearing 100%. Did you know that pornography is a form of prostitution? I recall being 13 and finding porn magazines. It not only introduced me to the beauty of a naked woman but also triggered an urge in me that led to some very dark places. What I have since figured out is that because masculinity was not bestowed on me by other men, I struggled with understanding what healthy sexuality looked like. As a result, my raging hormones in my teens and twenties were more like a rocket shooting off in various directions because my inner thruster of self-control was not balanced by a clear view of who God made me as a man.

Many young guys struggle with sexuality not because their body doesn’t work but because they seek to fulfill that soul urge in ways that lead to destruction instead of growth and maturity. It’s why so many Jesus-following guys struggle with pornography. In fact, the kind of porn a guy looks at is an indicator of the inner struggle he has not resolved in his manhood journey.  It could be anger over being raised by a passive dad who didn’t engage in your boy-to-manhood journey. It could be disgust that causes a guy to search out violence in porn. In fact, according to author and counselor Jay Stringer, virtually all porn videos guys look at emphasize the guy coming to orgasm instead of the woman. The woman is being used. The entire porn industry is all about sex trafficking.

In many conversations with young guys who rightfully so are working through their sexuality, I remind them that the fact their body works, that is, they can get an erection and have an ejaculation is a good thing! Shame is not to be had there. The shame they experience has more to do with the misuse of their sexuality.

Think about it, how many women would like their husbands to be a porn addict? 

“Hey, honey, I know you are hot and awesome, but I’m going to stay up tonight and get myself aroused through porn. Okay?”. 

Your wife replies from the bedroom, 

“Go ahead. I know you’ve never gotten over your adolescent porn fantasies. Just clean up after you masturbate and plan on sleeping on the sofa tonight.”.  

Get real, the conversation never goes that way. You know that. In fact, the shame of mistreating sex has far-reaching implications. Married men who follow Jesus and struggle with sexual intimacy with their wife can let anger fester in them to the point they turn to porn instead of bringing their pent-up desires to Jesus. There is a deeply spiritual aspect to our sexuality and turning to the Lord can bring hope and healing.

If I could rewind my sexual timeline, I’d want several things to be different. Namely, someone to intentionally bestow masculinity on me. To listen to my questions about life and girls and sex. To guide me through the changes to my body and assure me that sex is a glorious gift from God.  That there is hope for the future. That I can date and that Lord willing there is a woman I can fall in love with and marry.  That sexual intimacy is a wonderful thing!  That it’s all God’s idea and he is pleased when our sexuality is expressed in a covenant marriage.

Sex Essentials. 

Even if it’s been years since you’ve thought about it, bring your manhood and sexuality to Jesus; and do it in the context of a safe, healthy friendship with another brother in Christ or mentor you trust.

Warrior On!

David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.

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