Relationships

Creative Sex in Marriage

It’s one of the furthest things from a newlywed couple’s mind, but sooner or later, the day will come when they can’t have sex. That’s right, no sex. At least for a season. All of that pent-up sexual drive the two of you did your best to restrain before the wedding, is now free for intimate expression on the honeymoon. The truth is, even on honeymoons, sex is not some free-for-all blissful experience. There can be, let’s say, logistics to work through as well as the occasional hygiene issues to navigate.  Later on, as life settles into a new couple’s identity, there are also times when sex is just not in the cards.  At least not tonight.

Are Christians to have Sex?

Back in the New Testament times, there were some Christians in the Greek City of Corinth who wrote to Paul with the conclusion that it was not good for a man to have sex with a woman. Nothing could be further from the truth!  Sex was not only a good thing to be promoted among Christians, but it was to be pursued within the context of marriage. 

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2 ESV

Raging Bull Syndrome

Truth was, young Christian guys had lots of testosterone and were driven to act out on their sexual urges. Back then, they could find a prostitute or act out on a girl they knew. Young Christian women had the same problem. She wanted a man and often the young Christian guys were sending vibes to hook up. 

Sexual immorality is just as common today. Adolescent guys sneak in their share of porn on their phones, getting sexually aroused and acting out on themselves through masturbation. Virtually all porn exposure leads to such messes that need to be cleaned up. They treat girls like objects, struggling to know how to develop a level of healthy relationships.

Get Married and Have Sex!

That’s Paul’s bottom line in this passage.  “Guys, get a wife. Gals, get a man.”  Obviously, pick from those of the faith. Don’t complicate matters by marrying a non-believer. 

And, when you do marry, (whatever your ceremony looks like), then be sure you both mutually give each other sex. 

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 ESV

In other words…

If your wife wants sex, give it to her!  If you want sex, tell your wife and if she is willing, she will give it to you. In saying “I do” you give up rights to your body, such that your spouse now has authority over your body. This is NOT a dictatorial, demanding authority, but an affectionate leading of your relationship such that acts of sex are meant to bring oneness and intimacy, not rule and dominance. 

Sex is Good until…

Until something interrupts the rhythm and sex has to be paused, at least for a while. Now what? Let me say that withholding sex from your spouse as a way to control and manipulate is totally the opposite of how God designed sex. How many times have good couples who love Jesus withheld sex from each other out of bitterness or control? Doing so gives the Enemy a stronghold in your marriage. Confess and repent!

Not Tonight

There are legitimate times when sex is just not in the cards; tonight, tomorrow night, or for the foreseeable future. Sometimes the sex pause is due to health. Who wants to have sex when one of you has the flu?  Or, what if there is a larger health issue going on?  A wife had to have bladder surgery. The gynecologist had the husband come in for the exam consult.  “No sex for six months.” The young husband’s jaw dropped. “No sex? For six months?” Guys, this stuff really happens!

Too Much Sex

There are times when sex gets out of hand. Believe it or not, you are having too much sex; to the point that other things that need to get done are not. Whether it’s domestic things like cutting the grass or the house looking like a wreck, there are times to take a break from the bedroom and attend to other areas of married life. 

Spiritual lives can get neglected too 

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV

Whenever there is a pause, one’s spiritual life should not be neglected. Take time, to refocus on the Lord, to get your bearings straight. A pause in married sexuality should not open the door to immorality. Hormones don’t stop while sex is on pause.

Ways to have Creative Sex

Let’s say you and your new wife have to take a sex pause for an extended time. You cannot get your head wrapped around the length of the pause. How are you going to function with all of that testosterone building up inside your body? Perhaps, your wife is recovering from a health issue or there is another legitimate reason for her inability to have sex with you. The worst thing you can do is satisfy yourself sexually. All too often, even Jesus-loving guys will feel like they are going to explode if they don’t find sexual release. With all frankness, going off to the bathroom, sexually arousing yourself, with or without porn is the stupidest thing you could do. Do you really want to ruin your marriage and any future sex life?

Here are some underlying principles to keep in mind when figuring out how to have sex during such extended pauses. 

  1. Sex is about serving each other. If my wife cannot have sex and I need some release, then I need to be open and tell her. “Honey, I could use some sex right now. I know you are not able to but can you help me?”  It is possible to have sexual affection without having full-on intercourse. 
  2. Do it together. This cannot be emphasized enough. You might not be able to have intercourse, but there are many creative ways to find sexual release through genital pleasuring. Just the two of you. No third parties, virtually or otherwise. Bringing porn into the bedroom defeats the purpose of creating oneness in marriage. 
  3. Be grateful. Sex is not about you. It’s about your spouse and doing what you can to serve each other. When your spouse satisfies you, even if it is during a time when you cannot have full-on sexual intercourse, thank them. Sex is a gift from God. Be thankful for the gift and use it in a way that ultimately glorifies God even if you have to take an extended pause.

One final thought

The Enemy has held on to sex for so long that we feel this rush of shame whenever we talk about sex. True, our past may be laced with sexual sins, but in Christ, your sexuality is redeemed. Yes, be respectful and protective of the intimacy sex offers, but do not let shame curb your pursuit of sexual pleasure as God intended. Marriage is your doorway to experiencing creative sex!

Warrior On!

David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.

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