Restaurant Sex

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MW Editor’s Note: This is the third in a three-part series on Warriors and Sex. If you have not caught the past two posts, check them out now.

Talk to most single-engaged warriors and they will tell you how much they are looking forward to having sex with their new bride on their honeymoon!  The commonly-held view of honeymoons is it’s a special time for the couple to celebrate their new covenantal commitment to marriage and all that it entails, including sexual intercourse.  The unspoken expectation held by many men is that level of sexual intensity will continue after the honeymoon is over.  In virtually every marriage, the bed cools down and expectations for a vibrant sex life fades. 

But It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way

In his book, “Sacred Sex”, Tim Alan Gardner describes three levels of married sexual encounters and likens them to three different types of restaurants: fast food, casual (informal)dining, and five-star dining. To summarize Gardner’s descriptions of three different types of married sexual encounters, we’ll take a look at each.

On the Same Page

Before we do, the other item that Gardner recommends is both you and your wife need to be on the same page when it comes to the three different types of sexual encounters. As a married couple, you each retain your own identity, but now, you have a shared identity as part of oneness. Keep in mind that when you think of these three types of sexual encounters, are you speaking as an individual, or as one? Be sure whatever sexual encounter you two have with each other, that you both agree on expectations. 

Fast-Food Sex

It’s when life is in a hurry and you need a quick bite before heading off to what’s next on your to-do list. We all know a steady diet of fast food isn’t good for you, but now and then, it’s OK to have. If you liken that to married sex, fast food sex is a quickie.  In most cases, one of you gets a sexual release while the other helps that happen; typically it’s the husband who gets to release. 

In past Mentoring Warriors articles on married sex, we talk about oneness in marriage being the most important aspect of the relationship. One in spirit, in relational connection, and yes, sexually. Whereas, fast food sex has its place, a steady diet of it does not promote oneness, long-term. 

Classic Example

You get off work and can’t stop thinking about your wife. You have a men’s basketball game at church at 700pm and your wife has a women’s Bible Study at the same time. “Fast food tonight?” you text her. ‘Sure!”  You run by the sandwich shop, bring home supper and have enough time to jump into bed for a quickie as well!

Casual Dining Sex

When my wife and I go out for a nicer dinner, we block out most of the evening. After work, I might shower and throw on a nicer shirt. She, some favorite jewelry. Our preference is a booth in some back corner. A restaurant with sit-down service. Time for conversation, catching up on life and where each other’s hearts are at. If the weather permits, we might order dessert or stop by a local ice cream shop and sit outside. 

So it is with casual dining sex. The focus is on the two of you, Time to talk, to listen, to sit close, to hold hands, to lie close together. Perhaps some favorite music and a fire or a candle. No interruptions. No phone calls. Just the two of you. Sexual intercourse happens, woven into the bigger picture of romantic oneness. You’ve prepared and enjoyed each other. And, you stay connected after, so that the experience has time to gel. You get the picture. Every married couple needs casual dining sex.

Five-Star Dining Sex

I had a work-related conference in Oklahoma City, so my wife and I made it a weekend away; which included a dinner out at the top of Devon Tower- a 50 story building downtown. We had a table next to the windows on the 49th floor. The city lights were stunning! The food was superb! The cost? One of the most expensive dinners we’ve ever had!  But, it was worth it! Every bite and every penny!

Honeymoons are meant to be five-star sex. Every marriage needs extended time together. Perhaps, it’s a turn the alarms off and spend Saturday morning in bed, naked and unashamed. Or, it’s a weekend at a special getaway where you can celebrate an anniversary, a birthday, or simply the joy of being married to each other. It’s dreamed about, planned out. As the husband, you take the lead, creating a special time where your wife’s heart is nurtured and cherished. Yes, sex happens, Time-wise, it might be a proportionately small amount of your time away, but the time leading up to it and after sandwich in the experience such that you both come home we a deeper sense of oneness.

Which Sex Will it Be?

So, if you are a married warrior, which sex will you have? If fast-food sex is about all the two of you have, no matter how much you may both love Jesus, you have some significant work to do on growing in oneness.  On the other hand, expecting five-star sex every time is just as unrealistic. Yes, plan for those Song of Solomon experiences. Make sure they happen. Be the man and take the lead. But, know that the type of sex you two have and the frequency is something both of you need to be on the same page regarding. Otherwise, someone’s feelings are going to get hurt and sex will become a divider in your marriage instead of the expression of holiness God designed the two of you to enjoy.

Learn to be on the same page. Each type has its place and you must have a good pulse on each other’s hearts so that the right type of sex is expressed.

God created sex and loves when it’s celebrated in marriage.

Is it time for the two of you to go out to eat?

Warrior On!

David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.

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