Relationships

Married Warrior Sex

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MW Editor’s Note: This is part two of a three-part series on the Warrior and Sex. Be sure to catch last week’s post and plan to check out next week’s as well.

It is right to want to have sex. I recall being 21, praying in the shower, and God making it loud and clear that I needed to start looking for a wife. I had one year left of architecture school (which was intensely demanding), but the urge within my soul was burning for love and intimacy. It would be another 8 years before I got married, but the journey was nothing short of transformational. 

Skewed Sexual Thinking

There is a malady that even some guys who love Jesus face. Often, with an adolescent and young adult past riddled with porn and uncontrolled sex, their mind has developed neuropathways that elevate sexual self-gratification.  When they picture their honeymoon, jumping into bed with their new bride, their sexual motivation is often self-focused; without even realizing it. 

A great passage on God’s view of married sex is found in 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. Take the time to read it SLOWLY.

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Sex is about Giving

The main reason you, as a man, now husband, have sex is to please your wife. She is the only person on the planet with whom you are called by God to share a sexual experience. Intercourse is far more than the coupling of genitals. As exhilarating as that is, there is a deeper, more spiritual aspect to married sex that God wants the two of you to experience; oneness. 

Oneness

Frequently, the Bible talks about the two becoming one flesh. The Song of Solomon is all about a man and his bride coming together to share not just bodies, but souls. Jesus sees sexual intercourse as an outward expression of soul oneness.  In his book, “Sacred Sex”, author Tim Alan Gardner talks about the idea of Meta-Sex. It’s the idea that all of your married life is to reflect a level of oneness that has its ultimate, intimate expression in sex. Hebrews 13:4 says 

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. 

If I have a mindset that sex is only intercourse, then I’ll miss the fact that all other aspects of our marriage have just as much to do with oneness. Meta-sex is not sex with anyone and everyone. Nor is it seeing everything as some perverted sexual connotation. Rather, it means that out of my total acceptance of my wife, all aspects of her womanhood, I choose to do all I can, as her husband to nourish and cherish her. That means time spent together outside the bedroom is just as important in creating oneness in our marriage.

Not this way

Fast forward. Let’s say you are in your upper 20s, married, and with kids. You come home from work exhausted. Your boss is out of his mind, expecting you to work the weekend. The kids are going ballistic as you walk in the door. One look at your wife and you can tell she’s had it. As much as your single-warrior mindset wants to have sex to find stress release, you realize that asking for such tonight is going to only throw gasoline on already smoldering embers.  You can:

  1. Drop your pack and coat at the door, scoop up the baby with a poopy diaper and clean her up, while having your pre-school son tag along; to give mom some respite.
  2. Head straight to your wife and vent about your day at work while the kids scream.
  3. Kiss your wife and drag her from the kitchen, leave the kids to fend for themselves, and lock the bedroom door for a wild time of sex.  “Just a quickie!”

I hope you can figure out the best answer.

Oneness is Sacred

A marriage bed that is pure and undefiled means you only have eyes for each other. You are exclusively each other’s, and in such you invite Jesus to be a part of every aspect of marriage, including your sex life.  

Pure and undefiled means you don’t approach sex as you might have as a single guy. This is not about you getting your release. Oh, yes, in sexual intercourse, you want and should hope for ejaculation, but your highest desire is to bring your wife to orgasm.  Do not be embarrassed by such sexual conversation, either in this article or in bed with your wife. For as much as I am pro-evangelical, one thing the evangelical church has done is to shy away from a full, rich, PURE, godly discussion on oneness and sexuality.  Like Adam and Eve, being naked and unashamed can and should be your goal as a married warrior.

Healthy Married Sex

Whether you are on your honeymoon or have been married for quite some time, here are some helpful tips for God-honoring married sex.

  1. Deep Conversations enhance oneness and sexual affection. A man wants to feel loved and understood. A wife wants to feel connected to her husband on an emotional and spiritual level. These are essential pre-cursors to meaningful sex. It is in your complete acceptance of each other, all aspects of her womanhood and your manhood, that becomes the ground for godly oneness.
  2. Play to her affections. See foreplay, the conversation in bed, the act of intercourse as well as the time that follows as for her affection. For her heart. For her experiencing her womanhood. Let it be genuine. No games, no ulterior motives. As she sees your heart she will respond favorably to you as well.
  3. Mix it up. Routine in bed dampens oneness and sexual intimacy.  As the man, be willing to try different things, not to kill boredom but to explore aspects of your wife’s heart you haven’t discovered yet.  

Married warrior sex is to be a journey into oneness that reflects Christ and his love for us, his church.

Warrior On!

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