Faith Identity Relationships

Guaranteed Porn

Ask 100 men you know this question: 

Do you want your son to have a porn addiction?  

Hands down, the answer is flat out NO!  What dad (current or future) would want their son addicted to porn?  And yet, statistically, over 90% of adolescent males have seen porn at least once and over 70% have a sexual addiction to porn. And, these are stats for those who attend church. Guys who “love Jesus”. 

Passivity Leads to Porn

In marriage, there is to be an emotional intimacy between each other. The man is to pursue his wife, not for what he can get out of the relationship (including sex), but so that he can nurture and cherish her heart; that she might become the unique woman God created her to be. When a man is passive, he stops being emotionally intimate with his wife. She’s craving intimacy and not getting it from her husband. This can set a destructive ball in motion.

Emotional Surrogate

Andrew J. Bauman, in his book, The Sexually Healthy Man; Essays on Spirituality, Sexuality, and Restoration, says that mothers of adolescent sons can transfer their need for emotional intimacy to their son. Long talks, time together, and the sharing of female needs for emotional support with her son (that should be coming from her husband) can spark a sense of sexual arousal.  (Emotional intimacy can lead to sexual intimacy.) If the son has any sense of a moral compass, he knows that sex with his mom is highly destructive behavior. 

Quoting Bauman, “If my mother fills me emotionally, the logical result is that I seek something to complete the missing place: my sexual needs. Since I am already filled emotionally, I have no other space for anything even remotely emotional, so I will seek a source of sexual commitment. Pornography and other emotionless, compulsive sexual behaviors become the perfect solution to an otherwise daunting problem.”

Where is Dad?

Dad’s lack of emotional intimacy with his wife can trigger their son’s porn addiction. Think about it this way. In Ephesians 5:25-33, Paul talks about how Jesus loves the church (those who are believers) by giving himself up for us. Christ’s death and resurrection are his greatest examples of how God wants to nurture and cherish us as his bride. “In the same way”… Paul adds that we husbands are to love our wives, as Christ does the church.  This is at the crux of how we pursue our wives; offering them the emotional intimacy they crave.

Loving Yourself

I used to think self-care was selfish.  The truth of the matter is when I love myself as Christ loves me, my manhood identity comes into further view. I become healthier within, and out of that (fueled by Christ in me) I have not only something to offer my wife, but I do so with a level of emotions that feeds her soul. That in turn, can curb our son’s temptation towards porn.

Three Steps to Guaranteed Porn

  1. Neglect your soul-care. Let deep inner wounds go undiscovered and unaddressed.  Dan Allender, Ph.D., says that “most men live an unexamined life.”
  2. Avoid emotional intimacy with your wife. Ignore her heart. Remain isolated from her emotionally.
  3. Do not engage in your son’s life. Ignore his heart. Do not bestow manhood into him.

Outcome?     A wounded wife, and a son who has a greater propensity towards porn.

Three Steps to Win over Porn

  1. Be in a vital union with Christ. Live in community and by the power of the Holy Spirit.
  2. Serve your wife out of the fullness of Christ in you. Listen to what feeds her heart.
  3. Engage in your son’s life. Know him. Bestow manhood on him.

Outcome? A healthier marriage and a son who is better equipped to stand against porn.

Your choice.

Warrior On!

David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.

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