Faith Identity

What’s Your Porn Plan?

It’s not like a guy has a plan to become a porn addict. After all, statistically-speaking most guys see their first porn around age 11.  I was 13. Curiosity, peer pressure, a twinge of early pubescent hormones. It all seemed like the thing to do.  The problem is shame pushes a guy undercover. Secret. Tell no one. As boys go through puberty and hormones awaken they often turn what God intended to be a transition towards healthy manhood sexuality into a foray of increasing sexual temptations. 

Fast forward several years and now a young man in his late teens/ early twenties finds himself addicted to porn and can’t find his way out. Every time he feels the pull to look he has to go deeper. “It’s like I’m in this deep pit with no hope of escape. I’m trapped.”. That was what a young 17 year old wept to me. “I’ll do whatever it takes to find freedom.” And do whatever it takes is exactly what he set his mind to!  More about his story later.

How Would You Like to Have this Conversation with Your Wife?

Imagine yourself in your twenties, married. Maybe even a kid on the way.  Your secret porn addiction you assured your wife was no longer a part of your life has reared its ugly head. You got caught. She’s devastated. Can’t trust you anymore. Betrayed. You feel horrible but keep holding on to that addiction. “I’ll get help.” you plead. A text or two to a former mentor. Throw in some talk about accountability. It all sounds good, and in the right context can be a path towards freedom from this torrid addiction. 

But, Nothing Changes Without the Supernatural

Look, I’m all for guys to get a grip and find a healthy way out of their porn addiction.  They need to “do whatever it takes” The truth is no amount of effort, no amount of accountability, and healthy boundaries can ever change the heart of a man. It takes repentance before the face of God. God changing your heart. Psalm 51.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

    and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence,

    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

You Need a Porn Plan

Look, no guy wakes up and says “I think I’ll dive deep into porn today, get sexually aroused, and masturbate. Then, next time, I’ll go even deeper and find even harder porn to watch; so that in 5-10 years I am this hardened sex addict. I’ll treat women like objects and use sex to get what I want. In fact, I’ll risk being arrested and jailed for my sexual forays. I’ll become a registered sex offender. Yeah, now that’s a plan for my life!”

Are You Kidding Me?

And yet, virtually every guy who dabbles in porn is writing their porn plan without realizing it. Do you honestly want to have that heart-breaking conversation with your wife about your secret porn addiction?  How two-faced do you want to be?  Carrying your Bible on Sunday, singing worship songs to Jesus, and then holing up with your phone for some titillating action?

Stop The Deceit!

Back to the 17-year-old’s story.  Sitting there in the restaurant, he wept over his porn addiction. With my arm around him, we prayed for God to intervene. I’d love to tell you it was an instant, cold-turkey break from porn. It wasn’t. It felt more like a long-hard journey through some very deep waters. Some good days, others horrible. Like a detox, Ryan’s heart slowly began to change. What made the difference? Ryan would tell you two primary things God used to change his heart;

Consistency in the Word

Not some regimented religious-check-off-the-box intake of the Bible, but hearing the heart of God for his manhood.  For God’s heart for women and what true sexuality is all about. For learning how relational intimacy is foundational to healthy marriages. For seeing God use the Word to change Ryan’s attitudes, to heal some wounds in his heart that he was using porn to fill. God’s Word saturating Ryan’s heart drew him to see the value of letting the Holy Spirit be his life.

Accountability

I hate to even use that word. We’ve turned accountability into the biggest image game ever! At the core of what made the difference for Ryan, in terms of accountability, is the consistency of a godly mentor to walk alongside him. Yes, to help him have healthy boundaries with technology, to ask about his heart, to foster a level of vulnerability and honesty most guys fear. Truth is it’s in that desire for a clean heart that the sin is most pointedly dealt with.

Seven Years Later

Ryan’s 24 now. He’s porn free! Does he still fight for purity? Absolutely! Does he still need the iron-sharpens-iron, man-to-man accountability?  For the rest of his life, he will!  But, all I can say is his future wife will thank him for his diligence to become a man after God’s own heart. And, so will his future sons and daughters. Imagine how the cycle of porn can be broken generationally because of Ryan’s intentional porn plan!

You Need a Porn Plan

As Ryan’s mentor, I can tell you firsthand no man will ever win the battle against porn going it solo. You need a plan and it needs to include the supernatural presence of God and consistency in an iron-sharpens-iron, man-to-man relationship. If your plan doesn’t have these essentials, for the rest of your life, you are guaranteed to relapse, to dig a deeper hole for yourself and those you say you love. 

Are there other important things that should be in your plan?  Yes, sometimes you may need to add professional counseling; someone who can chart a path of sexual healing. Someone who can help you walk through the father-wounds you faced as a boy and why you are using porn as a coping mechanism. I can testify such counseling helps.

So, what’s your porn plan?  You are naive, deceived, and downright foolish to think you are going to win this battle every man faces without a plan. 

Four Things to Get Your Porn Plan Started

1. Find a trusted mentor and tell him your story.  If he’s a man of integrity, he will not abandon you.

2. Include acts of repentance in your Porn Plan.  This means living out both sides of the verse Romans 13:14  “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provisions for the flesh in regards to its desires.”

3. Invite genuine, transparent, accountability.  There can be no unaccountable time in your life. None.

4. Need someone to be a sounding board for your specific porn plan?  Email us at info@mentoring-warriors.com  We are not a counseling service, but we can offer some confidential feedback in fine-tuning your plan.

Warrior On!

David Riffel is the Founder and Executive Director of www.Mentoring-Warriors.com. Having gone through his warrior years (18-30) essentially without a mentor, God has placed in him a heart for warriors, to come alongside them in various ways as they figure out life. David’s newly released book, Mentoring Warriors: Coming Alongside Young Men 18-30, outlines principles for mentoring and gives advice for warriors in six key areas of life: self-management, life skills, education/career, relationships, faith, and identity.

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